End of an Era

Many of you may know, if you have read Paloma's birth story, that her extra chromosome was a surprise. I had a normal pregnancy with beautiful ultrasounds. I had a baby that measured two weeks ahead and i went full term.

...... I had no idea that Paloma was keeping a secret.

So in the delivery room, after she was born and  everything around me seemed to be falling down, the one clear thought that i did have was, that i had to nurse her.
And on my second night in the hospital when i was in the shower fully dressed crying on the phone, and my mom asked if she should take Paloma home for a couple of weeks, I said no. Because i had to nurse her.
And in the difficult weeks that followed we spent almost every waking moment in each others arms....

....because i nursed her....i no longer had to....i wanted to.

What at first didn't feel like a choice, became a life line....for us both.


Little by little, our nursing relationship bonded us in a way nothing else could. I remember asking my sister over and over, "I have a baby right?" "I mean Paloma is a real baby.....right?"
And little by little she became that real baby to me, because babies nurse, babies need their mommies.....babies nurse. Paloma nursed....and she was good at it.

And then she got sick....and after a near two week stay in the hospital, they told me she was allergic to something coming through my milk............

I am still beyond distressed by this for more reasons than i care to type. I feel robbed.....yet again..of something that i thought i was going to have....something easy and natural.

I need to nurse Paloma as much as she needs to be nursed.
But at the moment, there is no nurseing.



So i pump each and every day....i follow a strict diet.....and chances are.....i will never nurse Paloma again.
But i can't let go. I can't let go of my milk. I can't eat something that would contaminate it....i'm stuck in limbo. I can't let go of one of the most beautiful parts of being Paloma's mommy.

I'm not ready.........
It's almost like until i throw in the towel, even though we haven't nursed in a week today, we still have that part of our relationship.

I'm not ready.....
So tonight i pumped and probably tomorrow i'll pump too.

.....Because i have to nurse her.

Under a painted sky.....

Last Sunday began Paloma's week of hell.....
We were just about to meet some friends at the movies when Paloma threw up.

No big deal, babies do those sorts of things.
Then while driving Paloma began to cry. Paloma only cries in the car if it is dark....i pulled over to check on her, immediately she started to projectile vomit and choke. I grabbed her entire car seat and tipped it forward so that she could breath, babies throw up, but not like this......my mommy gut said ER, but i wanted to check with another famous mommy gut....my sister.

Our mommy guts agreed.

Paloma had a very dramatic entrance to the ER. I ran with her in my arms as fast as i could, trying to be careful....it took everything in me not to yell out for help. She could not stop getting sick.
 In fact she threw up until we saw blood......i yelled out for help.

The rest of the week is a blur of good days, ER visits, and nights at the hospital.

Did i mention that Nanny and Auntie Mimi drove from Tennessee through ice and rain to be with my girl?
Well....could you resist this chubby monkey?
 

I love how sometimes in life, seemingly unimportant things you have done, or maybe even forgotten about, just reappear......

Like bird filed skies, painted by daddy, back when even Ava was all but a hope.

This makes me smile......and I'm not the only one..

That's right, five years ago Hugo helped paint eleven murals on the ceiling of the children's unit here at the hospital.....and i love so much that he painted birds for my baby dove.

And one little monkey:)

You have no idea what it means to me to have these paintings, he painted them for her, i know he did......
So here we are again staring at clouds and praying for Paloma to get well......
Right now she is putting herself to sleep sucking on my shirt at just the right place because we aren't aloud to nurse.

They scoped her belly today and it seems it is far worse than anyone could have imagined......

Anyone except for the crazy lady that has been falling apart at nurses stations, demanding to talk to more Doctors and begging for someone to please believe her that her baby is hurting.

I am a mama bear....


Today was a hard day, it is one thing to know in your heart something is wrong, but another to have a doctor tell you. And honestly we still don't have answers.
So tonight, we'll sleep under daddy's skies, Hugo, Ava, me and Paloma and maybe tomorrow we will see this girl smile again......


I love you sweet Paloma.......to the moon and back....

The Other Shoe?

Sitting here at five in the morning, with a cup of coffee that one of the nurses helped me make,I can't help but hear the sound of the other shoe dropping. Deep inside I believe that Paloma will be fine.....I mean she has to be fine right?

That damn shoe.....
Always hanging out somewhere in the dark just waiting to fall with a thud. Even on the best days, or maybe especially on the best days, I know it's there hanging.....somewhere in mid air.

I have always said," I do not need any reminders on how lucky we are to have Paloma and for her to be healthy, this is not a lesson I need to learn." I have made sure from day one to say this out loud and to thank God for my precious gift of a healthy baby. Each good day that passed was a day aknowledged, a day to be grateful for....

Even tonight, over the past 48 hours, I have been grateful......
But oh how it hurts to watch her hurting. How it hurts to see Paloma, my light, unable to crack a smile.....Sweet baby, how we love you.

My Do Over

Since i started this blog, the subject of this post has been in the back of my mind. I have tossed around different ways to approach it, but nothing ever felt right. Everything i thought of felt forced, or cliche.

See....I wanted a "do over."

I like to think that i accepted Paloma's little surprise rather quickly. Of course i had a few more crying fits and "why me?" moments, but as a whole i know that once we were home, the love out weighed our fear of the unknown.

But that is not what this post is about. This post is about the hospital stay, and how i welcomed my little dove.

This post is about the guilt that i thought i could never shake and the amazing gift of a dream.


If you know me at all, or have ever spoken to me about Paloma and her birth, than you also know that i would give anything to go back to the moment that she entered this world. And that I would give anything to simply whisper "Welcome sweet girl," in her newborn ear.


But of course i can't go back? .....Or did i?......

Last night i had a beautiful wonderful dream. And in this beautiful dream, the impossible was possible.

And in this dream time travel was the past time of choice for Hugo and I......

The dream opened the instant Hugo and i appeared in the hospital where Paloma was born. We were standing face to face in a hall way and only a few seconds had passed when i turned around and  exclaimed, "Paloma is here!"

I remember the pure joy and excitement i felt knowing that Paloma was there. I could hardly keep from busting down the door to get to her. I remember the blue silver glow of the hall way, and the orange hardwood floors, the commotion of the nurses around me, and Hugo just letting me go to her. I remember putting one foot in front of the other, yet floating towards my own hospital room. I remember reaching out my hand and the door opening, i held my breath, and there she was....new born Paloma.

In an instant she was in my arms. She was sleeping and wrapped in a hospital blanket. She had on her striped nursery hat and standard issue long sleeve t-shirt. She was so small and so new....her cheek on my cheek....the smell of her hair....milky sweet breath..she melted into my chest as i sobbed, "Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome...I want you, you're perfect, we are going to have the best life.......welcome..welcome.......I've been waiting for you.....i love you." Her skin was so soft. Her features so tiny.

I held her and told her all the things that i wish i had told her when she was born. I tried to pour all of my love for our Paloma over new Paloma. I didn't want to let her go, but i knew that i could not stay with her.

And with that thought i woke up.......

And for the rest of the day, i could not shake the raw emotions of what i had felt.......

Or the hope that maybe just maybe i got a do over........

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome Paloma.......I love you..

Balance

......is something that lately i have struggled to find. I have been going back and forth trying to decide just what balance means for me and my family. Is it less outside appointments and therapy? Is it waking up earlier to squeeze in yoga and research? Or is it just getting the laundry caught up on and taking a shower all in the same day?
.....i don't know. But i am trying to figure it out. Because by having too much to do, i am getting nothing done. Or by getting nothing done am I also creating balance?

hmmmmmm....

So in my quest for balance i did the only thing i could do.

I took a break.

And that break included Disney World and the beach:)


For three whole days we lived on the beach and balance took on a whole new meaning.




Our little get away brought into perspective all the things that are important in my life and reminded me what we are fighting for in the first place. That i don't have to be a perfect mom, or feel guilty if i don't finish Paloma's check list every single day. That maybe it's ok if Ava watches TV while i attempt to clean the house....And in spite of me and all my short comings, my kids will be just fine. And how do i know this?

Because i love them.

That's why.



Sweet baby love......




So on our break we collected shells, flew kites and spent time with dear friends. We had daily races between the stairs and the elevator and told Ava "yes" at every opportunity. We slept in, ate good and took in the beauty that was just over the edge of our balcony.   

And we went on a safari...



Do you think those guys spend time worrying about balance?

I don't think so:)

So here's to Sunday and all the hope and good intentions that Monday brings!

Normal Day

Today has been one of those lazy easy Sundays. Hugo spent the morning working on the yard with Ava, and  Paloma and i took a long nap. There was no schedule to keep or errands to run. It was just Sunday and all together uneventful. The girls cuddled and played and i think three separate pots of coffee have found themselves brood.

 All day today i kept thinking back to one of my favorite quotes. Someone posted it on facebook the other day and i had to find it again just to read it out loud and savor every beautiful word.

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are… Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect Tomorrow. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."
- Mary Jean Iron



And while yes this has been a normal day, it has also been bitter sweet. Today is my grandma's birthday and the first one we have spent without her. So while the girls were having some sister time, i snuck off to find my green and white Afghan, as my grandma called it, and sang her Happy Birthday.

I have never lost anyone that i loved. My mom says i have been crying over loosing my grandma since i was three years old. I guess it hit me early that she would probably be the first person i would loose ..........and three year old me was right.

So i went through my pictures and realized we are cuddling in every single one.





Our Afghan.........and three year old me loven me some grandma time.


I love you to the moon and back again, Happy Birthday grandma.......i miss you.

Love

I went to lunch with a good friend yesterday, and afterwards, had to nurse Paloma in my car before going to pick up Ava from school. I brought Paloma to the front seat with me and for probably the tenth time that day so far, we began our little ritual. For Paloma, nursing consists of feeding, laughing, cooing and making mommy's heart melt with her river rock colored eyes. We talk and sing and hold hands. It is truly something to behold and we are quite the nursing pair.




While Paloma was nursing and watching me ever so closely, as she always does, i had one of those baby love moments. My heart swelled up with love, my chest got tight, and i started to cry. I cried crocodile tears with a smile on my face, and i may have even sobbed through a verse or two of  "Baby Mine." I sat there and shamlessly endulged in all the love i was feeling for my sweet girl. I had myself a baby love cry, and baby love cries are the best kind of cries. Baby love cries are what makes being a mommy to a new little one so wonderful.

My most vivid memories of being a new mommy to Ava are those of me nursing her and crying because i could not  contain the love i felt. And surprisingly enough when Paloma was born, i was very angry because i thought i was going to be cheated out of these moments with my littlest girl. I distinctly remember being especially upset over this.

 I am now happy to report however, that Paloma has been witness to more than her fair share of baby love cries.

I realised while sitting in the parking lot of Panera bread, nursing my baby and crying, that really and truly it is all about love. That love is this big all encompassing force that if you let it will come in and make the world right again. That love will explain away any worries of the future and allow healing over the past. I realized that i had found on my own, what i so desperately needed someone to tell me during those first two days in the hospital, that i love Paloma and she loves me and because we love each other, we are going to be just fine. And it sounds so simple now putting it into words............

 but of course we all know that love is anything but simple. 

So for me, when i think over how far i've come, and i picture it all swirling around together some how making up the past five months and three weeks, the one thing that seems to bind it all together is love.....

sweet baby love.....



and lots and lots of baby love cries.

I swear on our sisterhood

Friday night, about 1:30 am.......we were invaded.



My sister and her family came in for a much needed visit and for three whole days we lived in the blissful chaos that is four girls, two babies and us. We had some much needed sister time to catch up on and "the cousins" spent their days playing dress up and telling secrets.

All was right in the world and it went by all too quickly.

We had pancake breakfasts .......




and tummy time.


We even let Timmy try out the crawling track.


And Mandy...well she spent a lot of time just loving on my littlest girl.






I love how she loves my girl...both of my girls.

Words aren't enough to express this love. Sister love is a big love. Sister love is so sacred that it qualifies to be sworn upon. "I swear on our sisterhood." Yes even at 31 and 26 this phrase is not used lightly.

So when she told me she was coming i made her swear on our sisterhood.....just to make sure:)

And she came through......

The weather however did not.
So our one night on the beach was spent in front of youtube learning how to shuffle. The shuffle i might add that i already knew how to do (kinda, Ok not really) because i was around the first time that the Running Man was cool.



"Everyday I'm Shuffling."

Did i mention the make overs that occurred nightly?


So what if the end result was a princess with a beard:)

So there you have it. Three amazing days of just being together.

....and  i swear on our sisterhood i couldn't have been given a more perfect sister

                                              
                                             ......i love you.

By any other name...

I like words..... I like the way that one or two unexpectedly put together can create poetry. I like words that make you feel and remember and laugh and ache. I like words, and i like knowing the meaning behind them, be it purposeful or suggested. I like words, and I used to like putting them to music....but that is another post.

Laying in bed tonight with Ava as she fell asleep, i started to think about Paloma and where we fit into this whole new world of ours. I started to get pissed about Holland again and some way or another i started to think about whether it was true or not, if really and truly the pain would never, ever, ever go away. ......Was Paloma indeed never allowed to see Rome?

And then i laughed.... out loud.

Because i remembered......



Sophia Loren...........

Enter my girls Ava Loren and Paloma Sophia....

Yes i named my girls after an Italian icon, yes i did it on purpose and yes this makes me happy in my heart right now.

Tonight Sophia Loren has become a patron saint of sorts over my two sleeping girls.
My two starlets....and proof that we have a little bit of Italia in our lives after all.

Paloma: "Dove"
After Paloma was born, i did not want to name her Paloma. I did not want to call her Paloma Sophia Jane. I thought that the name Paloma belonged to another little girl, the little girl that i thought i was getting. I had held the name, tucked away in my heart since Ava was only days old. I used to sing her to sleep with a Mexican folk song called Cuucuurruucucu Paloma. That song like no other reached into my heart the first time i heard it........ and broke it.

I wondered toward the end of my pregnancy if i named her Paloma, if she would also break my heart.....

 My sweet baby dove, you were always my Paloma.




 Paloma Sophia......meet Harriett Jane.......your great grandma.


Jane: "God's Gift"

Paloma Sophia Jane.....

I did not know the meaning of the name Jane until after i had Paloma. I lost My grandma five months before Paloma was born. She left us holding my hand. Words can not express the love i have for my grandma. Although she never meant Paloma on earth, she knew Paloma was coming, and i like to think that they had five months together to hug and kiss and play. I miss my grandma, and i talk to her every single day.



And as i type i am curled up in this same green and white blanket and yes it still smells like her. (thanks mom)

One day this blanket will belong to Paloma.......because i know my grandma would have loved her like crazy..... that she loves her like crazy.


So there you have it. A name, a few unsuspecting words, that together make me feel, remember, laugh and ache.

Paloma Sophia Jane....one hell of a name for one hell of a gal:)

Ava You're Mine......

For those of you who know me, this title is very familiar. For those of you who do not, just click here and it will make a little more sense.

Last week was a very big week. Last week Ava started pre-k. And last week i came to the realization that my baby is indeed a big girl. And oh how i miss my baby............


My heart has ached for her a little more than usual with her gone now during the day. Even now as i type and she sleeps quietly beside me i ache. You know that feeling of baby love that you feel so deeply that it hurts....that is how i feel. I am so in love with my Ava and i am afraid that lately i have not shown her enough of that love. I suppose this a new level of mommy guilt that comes along with having a child with special needs. You always question if you are showing equal love or attention to your other children. I'd like to think that the answer is yes, yes i have.......but no, it has not been equal.

This hurts me beyond words.

So, i read an extra book to her at night, we make batches of home made cookies while Paloma sleeps, and i try to say "yes," when it is so much easier to say "no."

Is this helping to relieve my guilt? I don't think so. Will i always feel guilty over this? Maybe.... but i hope not.

Sweet sleepy Ava...mommy misses you.




I know that this new phase in our relationship is no less beautiful than the one we have shared over the past four years. In many ways my love for Ava has multiplied one billion times more since Paloma was born. Watching true unconditional love and acceptance has been a thing of beauty and i hope i never forget the delicate balance of emotions that these first few months with Paloma have brought.

One moment i will never ever forget, is the first night we had Paloma home from the hospital. My mom and Hugo's mom were working around the house and it was the first time Hugo, Ava and I had been alone with Paloma, just the four of us. We were all cuddled in the bed and Ava was holding her new sister. And then, very a matter of fact, Ava looked up at Hugo and said, "Daddy, Paloma wants to hear Just The Way You Are."

and don't you know my Ava sang that song, the song we sang everyday to each other, to her sister......she held her in her arms, and sang...and she meant every word.....

Hugo and I sat there and cried. 

The love in that room that night, set the standard for how we would raise our girls.


Ava set that standard.


And one day when she is old enough, i will tell her that.


la da da la da da da da da ........Ava you're mine.

"Enjoy your baby."

"Make sure you're enjoying your baby." That's what Paloma's therapist always tell me. I just laugh....even if i tried i couldn't begin to tell them how much we enjoy our baby. I mean look at that face. Could you help but only just enjoy her:)


Paloma is doing really really well, but that is just because Paloma is doing really really well. I know that her ND schedule must look overwhelming to her OT, PT and ST, but really it's not. Especially this week when mommy and baby were both sick and we spent so much time just...well enjoying our baby.





See even the daddy with hat head enjoys the baby:)

And as far as therapy goes, let me tell you Miss Paloma has it all under control.


So needless to say sometimes just nursing and dancing and loven on the lovens is all that gets done in this house. Just ask my laundry, or better, my dear friend who came over to help me with said laundry.


and i have decided that that's just fine.

And how about you, Paloma's elusive buddies, will you be waiting at the end of the crawling track tomorrow......


..still playing hard to get.

Lyme Disease, Rabies and Brain Tumors

........Remember when i mentioned "Banished to Holland" reasoning?  Well this is it. This is a new term i have coined for the feeling that since Down Syndrome happened, anything can happen...right?

And there is nothing better than going into full on hysterics on the floor of your computer room to your husband, because your dog barked at a dieing raccoon. A dog that you then touched, that probably gave you rabies, and since you are breastfeeding, now has also given your baby rabies. This is a true story, and it was a real fear....just ask my sister.

Or maybe the sinus infection that caused you to smell funny smells, and when you googled "funny smells"  brain tumor was listed among causes like, STRESS, weight loss, oh yeah and SINUS INFECTION.. Fast forward to hysterics on the floor of your closet crying to your sister that you don't want to die. This is also a true story, and it was a real fear.....just ask my husband.

And the Lyme Disease...... just ask my mom about the tick i found on my leg at eleven weeks pregnant that comes back to haunt me every time a joint hurts, or i smell "funny smells." Did i mention that Lyme disease was also on that list of possible causes, right next to sinus infection, and brain tumor?

My logical side can look at these things and know that it is really crazy. I am laughing even now as i write it down. Lets face it, it's crazy....go ahead, laugh:)

But you know what else was crazy? Me on the couch late at night talking to my sister, worried about Down Syndrome, and her laughing and promising me Paloma did not have Down Syndrome or anything else i was worried about......

and then me two days after Paloma was born on the floor in hysterics, because Paloma does have Down Syndrome. And i worried about it endlessly, and what seemed like the worst case scenario happened. So now i think i'm almost hard wired to believe that all of my worst case scenarios will also happen.

(and just a quick note, that worst case scenario is sleeping next to me cuddled up with my heart wrapped around her little curved pinkie.)

So where i'm getting at is, how do i get back to just being April again? Because i used to write songs, I used to laugh and smile and i used to be able to have a sinus infection, and just have a sinus infection.

I don't really know the answer, but i do know that i can't do it alone. So i reached out. I put it out there and i told a complete stranger about me having rabies. And you know what? She didn't laugh. She understood.

And i'm not saying this "Banished to Holland" reasoning will ever truly go away. It may never go away. Paloma may always be my reminder that some times things do happen, things that are out of our control, things that were not in our plan...happen. I don't know...i just don't know.

But i want to get better, I so want to get better, because someone said there are Tulips here too.


Goedenavond beetje tulp:)

The Difference a Dr. Makes

Being that we are only four months into this journey with Paloma I guess i have been lucky to have encountered the wonderful and compassionate Doctors that we have. We did not have to go through the trouble of weeding through pediatricians until we found one that would support our decisions for Paloma. We already had that pediatrician. We weeded for Ava.

I have become spoiled by a Doctor that says Trisomy 21 with out a thought, and a nursing staff that puts up with half a dozen emails a week on new supplements or just mommy worries. This is what i thought was the norm. I thought that the medical professionals got it. I thought that this group of people knew the value of my daughter, that they were aware that she was not a Down's child, but that she was my child. This how ever is not the case. And two weeks ago, i was put in my place by an ENT that simply could not be bothered by a Down's baby...........his term.....needless to say i left in tears, well i didn't leave in tears, because the nursing staff had to calm me down.  Once i regained a level of composure, I held by baby tight in my arms and i ran like hell.


On the drive home i believe i called my husband. And i cried. Because i was hurt and angry and felt as if i had been thrown back to square one. This Doctor sat only inches away from me while i held Paloma, and never asked her name, never touched her, and never once considered that his terminology was tearing me apart inside. He blew off my concerns of reflux and sleep apnea and laughed at me wanting to be proactive on ear fluid. He reluctantly agreed to see her every six months...and then as if to almost put salt on the wound, he said, "and mom, thanks for taking such good care of these girls.".........

Needless to say i went home and found a new ENT.

But i was still hurting.

I hurt for days. and i fell into what feels like a sand pit of sorts. You know when you walk in circles around your house all day, dishes don't get done, beds don't get made and then before you know it, husbands are home and you still look like you did when you crawled out of bed at 10:30. I couldn't form sentences or articulate my thoughts, and i just down right felt like i didn't want to do this any more. And by this, i mean just the day to day of being........I think maybe banished would be a good term for it, banished to Holland.

But, the days still went by and before i knew it it was time for the appointment with the new ENT. I contemplated canceling and tried to convince my sister to do it for me...long story, we sound the same on the phone....looking back though i guess the receptionist has no idea what my voice sounds like or cares if i cancel...see, THAT'S banished to Holland reasoning...more on that later.

Well guess what? I went to that appointment. Right from the start Paloma was crying. She was tired and hungry and wanted out of her carrier. I was especially nervous and felt like i had been thrown back in the trenches. It must have been obvious because a tall blond nurse came by and scooped her up and took her back to her office where a handful of other nurses went gaga over my baby girl. The nurse held her and got her to sleep until it was time to see the Doctor.

The Doctor.....

Let me tell you this Doctor was wonderful. He thanked me for bringing Paloma, he told me of the great things my girl would do. And what a clever mama i was to be on top of the issue of her ears. He told me that t21 is an area of interest for him and that if i didn't mind he would like to take extra care of Paloma and see her every two months. He told me over and over how pretty she was and how proud he was that she was exclusively breast fed. He looked at Ava and he told her she had a good mama, and this time, it was sincer.

I left there feeling like i had found the golden goose....and Holland didn't feel like such a place of banishment.....at least not that day, or for the rest of the week.

So, see what a difference a Doctor makes?

My favorite things

When i was first dealing with Paloma's Diagnosis i think, well i know, that the hardest thing for me to accept and deal with was the look of Down Syndrome. I remember asking my mom how i was going to go out in public with her, how was i going to be able to handle it? Of course the irony of all of that was the fact that Paloma was the prettiest baby i had ever seen. She had these beautiful almond eyes like her daddy, a little bowe mouth like her daddy and a full head of gorgeous black hair, just like the Paloma of my dreams. Did i mention her nose? Well it's perfect....small and adorable and coming from Hugo and i where there is no shortage of noses, this always makes me laugh.

I honestly had never seen a baby with Down Syndrome, but i can tell you they are beautiful. And the way she felt ...Oh it's nothing less than bliss. It was almost as if Paloma knew how i was struggling and every time i held her, she would just melt into me. Love me, Love me.....

Now some of the things i love most about her are directly related to her extra chromosome. Sometimes at night when we are nursing i run my finger across the crease in her hand. The crease that is only on her right palm. I favor that palm, i adore that crease.




And those sweet toes that i can not keep out of my mouth.....The extra space between the big toe and the next ..........is perfect for chewing on.


And then there is that tongue.

That tongue......while we spend everyday strengthening her mouth and jaw, so that later in life things will close perfectly, she knows that tongue makes mommy laugh. For Paloma her tongue is just another device that she can use to explore her world. She licks blankets, bath water, crawling track and big sissy at every opportunity.

There we go..

I am suspecting Harley has been teaching her these habits.



And public? No problem. I quickly found that miss Paloma is a people magnet. People will stop me to tell me how beautiful my baby is. Be it at the grocery store or the mall. People are drawn to Paloma. And i love to show her off. I love it. I am proud of my girl. She is one of my favorite things:)

And what about this girl? Am i the only one seeing a cross pattern starting to form?




Hello little tongue:)