........Remember when i mentioned "Banished to Holland" reasoning? Well this is it. This is a new term i have coined for the feeling that since Down Syndrome happened, anything can happen...right?
And there is nothing better than going into full on hysterics on the floor of your computer room to your husband, because your dog barked at a dieing raccoon. A dog that you then touched, that probably gave you rabies, and since you are breastfeeding, now has also given your baby rabies. This is a true story, and it was a real fear....just ask my sister.
Or maybe the sinus infection that caused you to smell funny smells, and when you googled "funny smells" brain tumor was listed among causes like, STRESS, weight loss, oh yeah and SINUS INFECTION.. Fast forward to hysterics on the floor of your closet crying to your sister that you don't want to die. This is also a true story, and it was a real fear.....just ask my husband.
And the Lyme Disease...... just ask my mom about the tick i found on my leg at eleven weeks pregnant that comes back to haunt me every time a joint hurts, or i smell "funny smells." Did i mention that Lyme disease was also on that list of possible causes, right next to sinus infection, and brain tumor?
My logical side can look at these things and know that it is really crazy. I am laughing even now as i write it down. Lets face it, it's crazy....go ahead, laugh:)
But you know what else was crazy? Me on the couch late at night talking to my sister, worried about Down Syndrome, and her laughing and promising me Paloma did not have Down Syndrome or anything else i was worried about......
and then me two days after Paloma was born on the floor in hysterics, because Paloma does have Down Syndrome. And i worried about it endlessly, and what seemed like the worst case scenario happened. So now i think i'm almost hard wired to believe that all of my worst case scenarios will also happen.
(and just a quick note, that worst case scenario is sleeping next to me cuddled up with my heart wrapped around her little curved pinkie.)
So where i'm getting at is, how do i get back to just being April again? Because i used to write songs, I used to laugh and smile and i used to be able to have a sinus infection, and just have a sinus infection.
I don't really know the answer, but i do know that i can't do it alone. So i reached out. I put it out there and i told a complete stranger about me having rabies. And you know what? She didn't laugh. She understood.
And i'm not saying this "Banished to Holland" reasoning will ever truly go away. It may never go away. Paloma may always be my reminder that some times things do happen, things that are out of our control, things that were not in our plan...happen. I don't know...i just don't know.
But i want to get better, I so want to get better, because someone said there are Tulips here too.
Goedenavond beetje tulp:)