Tuesday, December 13, 2011

End of an Era

Many of you may know, if you have read Paloma's birth story, that her extra chromosome was a surprise. I had a normal pregnancy with beautiful ultrasounds. I had a baby that measured two weeks ahead and i went full term.

...... I had no idea that Paloma was keeping a secret.

So in the delivery room, after she was born and  everything around me seemed to be falling down, the one clear thought that i did have was, that i had to nurse her.
And on my second night in the hospital when i was in the shower fully dressed crying on the phone, and my mom asked if she should take Paloma home for a couple of weeks, I said no. Because i had to nurse her.
And in the difficult weeks that followed we spent almost every waking moment in each others arms....

....because i nursed her....i no longer had to....i wanted to.

What at first didn't feel like a choice, became a life line....for us both.

Little by little, our nursing relationship bonded us in a way nothing else could. I remember asking my sister over and over, "I have a baby right?" "I mean Paloma is a real baby.....right?"
And little by little she became that real baby to me, because babies nurse, babies need their mommies.....babies nurse. Paloma nursed....and she was good at it.

And then she got sick....and after a near two week stay in the hospital, they told me she was allergic to something coming through my milk............

I am still beyond distressed by this for more reasons than i care to type. I feel robbed.....yet again..of something that i thought i was going to have....something easy and natural.

I need to nurse Paloma as much as she needs to be nursed.
But at the moment, there is no nurseing.

So i pump each and every day....i follow a strict diet.....and chances are.....i will never nurse Paloma again.
But i can't let go. I can't let go of my milk. I can't eat something that would contaminate it....i'm stuck in limbo. I can't let go of one of the most beautiful parts of being Paloma's mommy.

I'm not ready.........
It's almost like until i throw in the towel, even though we haven't nursed in a week today, we still have that part of our relationship.

I'm not ready.....
So tonight i pumped and probably tomorrow i'll pump too.

.....Because i have to nurse her.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Under a painted sky.....

Last Sunday began Paloma's week of hell.....
We were just about to meet some friends at the movies when Paloma threw up.

No big deal, babies do those sorts of things.
Then while driving Paloma began to cry. Paloma only cries in the car if it is dark....i pulled over to check on her, immediately she started to projectile vomit and choke. I grabbed her entire car seat and tipped it forward so that she could breath, babies throw up, but not like this......my mommy gut said ER, but i wanted to check with another famous mommy gut....my sister.

Our mommy guts agreed.

Paloma had a very dramatic entrance to the ER. I ran with her in my arms as fast as i could, trying to be careful....it took everything in me not to yell out for help. She could not stop getting sick.
 In fact she threw up until we saw blood......i yelled out for help.

The rest of the week is a blur of good days, ER visits, and nights at the hospital.

Did i mention that Nanny and Auntie Mimi drove from Tennessee through ice and rain to be with my girl?
Well....could you resist this chubby monkey?
I love how sometimes in life, seemingly unimportant things you have done, or maybe even forgotten about, just reappear......
Like bird filed skies, painted by daddy, back when even Ava was all but a hope.
This makes me smile......and I'm not the only one..

That's right, five years ago Hugo helped paint eleven murals on the ceiling of the children's unit here at the hospital.....and i love so much that he painted birds for my baby dove.

And one little monkey:)

You have no idea what it means to me to have these paintings, he painted them for her, i know he did......
So here we are again staring at clouds and praying for Paloma to get well......
Right now she is putting herself to sleep sucking on my shirt at just the right place because we aren't aloud to nurse.

They scoped her belly today and it seems it is far worse than anyone could have imagined......

Anyone except for the crazy lady that has been falling apart at nurses stations, demanding to talk to more Doctors and begging for someone to please believe her that her baby is hurting.

I am a mama bear....

Today was a hard day, it is one thing to know in your heart something is wrong, but another to have a doctor tell you. And honestly we still don't have answers.
So tonight, we'll sleep under daddy's skies, Hugo, Ava, me and Paloma and maybe tomorrow we will see this girl smile again......

I love you sweet Paloma.......to the moon and back....