Many of you may know, if you have read Paloma's birth story, that her extra chromosome was a surprise. I had a normal pregnancy with beautiful ultrasounds. I had a baby that measured two weeks ahead and i went full term.
...... I had no idea that Paloma was keeping a secret.
So in the delivery room, after she was born and everything around me seemed to be falling down, the one clear thought that i did have was, that i had to nurse her.
And on my second night in the hospital when i was in the shower fully dressed crying on the phone, and my mom asked if she should take Paloma home for a couple of weeks, I said no. Because i had to nurse her.
And in the difficult weeks that followed we spent almost every waking moment in each others arms....
....because i nursed her....i no longer had to....i wanted to.
What at first didn't feel like a choice, became a life line....for us both.
Little by little, our nursing relationship bonded us in a way nothing else could. I remember asking my sister over and over, "I have a baby right?" "I mean Paloma is a real baby.....right?"
And little by little she became that real baby to me, because babies nurse, babies need their mommies.....babies nurse. Paloma nursed....and she was good at it.
And then she got sick....and after a near two week stay in the hospital, they told me she was allergic to something coming through my milk............
I am still beyond distressed by this for more reasons than i care to type. I feel robbed.....yet again..of something that i thought i was going to have....something easy and natural.
I need to nurse Paloma as much as she needs to be nursed.
But at the moment, there is no nurseing.
So i pump each and every day....i follow a strict diet.....and chances are.....i will never nurse Paloma again.
But i can't let go. I can't let go of my milk. I can't eat something that would contaminate it....i'm stuck in limbo. I can't let go of one of the most beautiful parts of being Paloma's mommy.
I'm not ready.........
It's almost like until i throw in the towel, even though we haven't nursed in a week today, we still have that part of our relationship.
I'm not ready.....
So tonight i pumped and probably tomorrow i'll pump too.
.....Because i have to nurse her.