Since i started this blog, the subject of this post has been in the back of my mind. I have tossed around different ways to approach it, but nothing ever felt right. Everything i thought of felt forced, or cliche.
See....I wanted a "do over."
I like to think that i accepted Paloma's little surprise rather quickly. Of course i had a few more crying fits and "why me?" moments, but as a whole i know that once we were home, the love out weighed our fear of the unknown.
But that is not what this post is about. This post is about the hospital stay, and how i welcomed my little dove.
This post is about the guilt that i thought i could never shake and the amazing gift of a dream.
If you know me at all, or have ever spoken to me about Paloma and her birth, than you also know that i would give anything to go back to the moment that she entered this world. And that I would give anything to simply whisper "Welcome sweet girl," in her newborn ear.
But of course i can't go back? .....Or did i?......
Last night i had a beautiful wonderful dream. And in this beautiful dream, the impossible was possible.
And in this dream time travel was the past time of choice for Hugo and I......
The dream opened the instant Hugo and i appeared in the hospital where Paloma was born. We were standing face to face in a hall way and only a few seconds had passed when i turned around and exclaimed, "Paloma is here!"
I remember the pure joy and excitement i felt knowing that Paloma was there. I could hardly keep from busting down the door to get to her. I remember the blue silver glow of the hall way, and the orange hardwood floors, the commotion of the nurses around me, and Hugo just letting me go to her. I remember putting one foot in front of the other, yet floating towards my own hospital room. I remember reaching out my hand and the door opening, i held my breath, and there she was....new born Paloma.
In an instant she was in my arms. She was sleeping and wrapped in a hospital blanket. She had on her striped nursery hat and standard issue long sleeve t-shirt. She was so small and so new....her cheek on my cheek....the smell of her hair....milky sweet breath..she melted into my chest as i sobbed, "Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome...I want you, you're perfect, we are going to have the best life.......welcome..welcome.......I've been waiting for you.....i love you." Her skin was so soft. Her features so tiny.
I held her and told her all the things that i wish i had told her when she was born. I tried to pour all of my love for our Paloma over new Paloma. I didn't want to let her go, but i knew that i could not stay with her.
And with that thought i woke up.......
And for the rest of the day, i could not shake the raw emotions of what i had felt.......
Or the hope that maybe just maybe i got a do over........
Welcome, Welcome, Welcome Paloma.......I love you..