Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Other Shoe?

Sitting here at five in the morning, with a cup of coffee that one of the nurses helped me make,I can't help but hear the sound of the other shoe dropping. Deep inside I believe that Paloma will be fine.....I mean she has to be fine right?

That damn shoe.....
Always hanging out somewhere in the dark just waiting to fall with a thud. Even on the best days, or maybe especially on the best days, I know it's there hanging.....somewhere in mid air.

I have always said," I do not need any reminders on how lucky we are to have Paloma and for her to be healthy, this is not a lesson I need to learn." I have made sure from day one to say this out loud and to thank God for my precious gift of a healthy baby. Each good day that passed was a day aknowledged, a day to be grateful for....

Even tonight, over the past 48 hours, I have been grateful......
But oh how it hurts to watch her hurting. How it hurts to see Paloma, my light, unable to crack a smile.....Sweet baby, how we love you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

My Do Over

Since i started this blog, the subject of this post has been in the back of my mind. I have tossed around different ways to approach it, but nothing ever felt right. Everything i thought of felt forced, or cliche.

See....I wanted a "do over."

I like to think that i accepted Paloma's little surprise rather quickly. Of course i had a few more crying fits and "why me?" moments, but as a whole i know that once we were home, the love out weighed our fear of the unknown.

But that is not what this post is about. This post is about the hospital stay, and how i welcomed my little dove.

This post is about the guilt that i thought i could never shake and the amazing gift of a dream.

If you know me at all, or have ever spoken to me about Paloma and her birth, than you also know that i would give anything to go back to the moment that she entered this world. And that I would give anything to simply whisper "Welcome sweet girl," in her newborn ear.

But of course i can't go back? .....Or did i?......

Last night i had a beautiful wonderful dream. And in this beautiful dream, the impossible was possible.

And in this dream time travel was the past time of choice for Hugo and I......

The dream opened the instant Hugo and i appeared in the hospital where Paloma was born. We were standing face to face in a hall way and only a few seconds had passed when i turned around and  exclaimed, "Paloma is here!"

I remember the pure joy and excitement i felt knowing that Paloma was there. I could hardly keep from busting down the door to get to her. I remember the blue silver glow of the hall way, and the orange hardwood floors, the commotion of the nurses around me, and Hugo just letting me go to her. I remember putting one foot in front of the other, yet floating towards my own hospital room. I remember reaching out my hand and the door opening, i held my breath, and there she was....new born Paloma.

In an instant she was in my arms. She was sleeping and wrapped in a hospital blanket. She had on her striped nursery hat and standard issue long sleeve t-shirt. She was so small and so new....her cheek on my cheek....the smell of her hair....milky sweet breath..she melted into my chest as i sobbed, "Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome...I want you, you're perfect, we are going to have the best life.......welcome..welcome.......I've been waiting for you.....i love you." Her skin was so soft. Her features so tiny.

I held her and told her all the things that i wish i had told her when she was born. I tried to pour all of my love for our Paloma over new Paloma. I didn't want to let her go, but i knew that i could not stay with her.

And with that thought i woke up.......

And for the rest of the day, i could not shake the raw emotions of what i had felt.......

Or the hope that maybe just maybe i got a do over........

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome Paloma.......I love you..

Sunday, November 6, 2011


......is something that lately i have struggled to find. I have been going back and forth trying to decide just what balance means for me and my family. Is it less outside appointments and therapy? Is it waking up earlier to squeeze in yoga and research? Or is it just getting the laundry caught up on and taking a shower all in the same day?
.....i don't know. But i am trying to figure it out. Because by having too much to do, i am getting nothing done. Or by getting nothing done am I also creating balance?


So in my quest for balance i did the only thing i could do.

I took a break.

And that break included Disney World and the beach:)

For three whole days we lived on the beach and balance took on a whole new meaning.

Our little get away brought into perspective all the things that are important in my life and reminded me what we are fighting for in the first place. That i don't have to be a perfect mom, or feel guilty if i don't finish Paloma's check list every single day. That maybe it's ok if Ava watches TV while i attempt to clean the house....And in spite of me and all my short comings, my kids will be just fine. And how do i know this?

Because i love them.

That's why.

Sweet baby love......

So on our break we collected shells, flew kites and spent time with dear friends. We had daily races between the stairs and the elevator and told Ava "yes" at every opportunity. We slept in, ate good and took in the beauty that was just over the edge of our balcony.   

And we went on a safari...

Do you think those guys spend time worrying about balance?

I don't think so:)

So here's to Sunday and all the hope and good intentions that Monday brings!