Wednesday, September 28, 2011


I went to lunch with a good friend yesterday, and afterwards, had to nurse Paloma in my car before going to pick up Ava from school. I brought Paloma to the front seat with me and for probably the tenth time that day so far, we began our little ritual. For Paloma, nursing consists of feeding, laughing, cooing and making mommy's heart melt with her river rock colored eyes. We talk and sing and hold hands. It is truly something to behold and we are quite the nursing pair.

While Paloma was nursing and watching me ever so closely, as she always does, i had one of those baby love moments. My heart swelled up with love, my chest got tight, and i started to cry. I cried crocodile tears with a smile on my face, and i may have even sobbed through a verse or two of  "Baby Mine." I sat there and shamlessly endulged in all the love i was feeling for my sweet girl. I had myself a baby love cry, and baby love cries are the best kind of cries. Baby love cries are what makes being a mommy to a new little one so wonderful.

My most vivid memories of being a new mommy to Ava are those of me nursing her and crying because i could not  contain the love i felt. And surprisingly enough when Paloma was born, i was very angry because i thought i was going to be cheated out of these moments with my littlest girl. I distinctly remember being especially upset over this.

 I am now happy to report however, that Paloma has been witness to more than her fair share of baby love cries.

I realised while sitting in the parking lot of Panera bread, nursing my baby and crying, that really and truly it is all about love. That love is this big all encompassing force that if you let it will come in and make the world right again. That love will explain away any worries of the future and allow healing over the past. I realized that i had found on my own, what i so desperately needed someone to tell me during those first two days in the hospital, that i love Paloma and she loves me and because we love each other, we are going to be just fine. And it sounds so simple now putting it into words............

 but of course we all know that love is anything but simple. 

So for me, when i think over how far i've come, and i picture it all swirling around together some how making up the past five months and three weeks, the one thing that seems to bind it all together is love.....

sweet baby love.....

and lots and lots of baby love cries.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I swear on our sisterhood

Friday night, about 1:30 am.......we were invaded.

My sister and her family came in for a much needed visit and for three whole days we lived in the blissful chaos that is four girls, two babies and us. We had some much needed sister time to catch up on and "the cousins" spent their days playing dress up and telling secrets.

All was right in the world and it went by all too quickly.

We had pancake breakfasts .......

and tummy time.

We even let Timmy try out the crawling track.

And Mandy...well she spent a lot of time just loving on my littlest girl.

I love how she loves my girl...both of my girls.

Words aren't enough to express this love. Sister love is a big love. Sister love is so sacred that it qualifies to be sworn upon. "I swear on our sisterhood." Yes even at 31 and 26 this phrase is not used lightly.

So when she told me she was coming i made her swear on our sisterhood.....just to make sure:)

And she came through......

The weather however did not.
So our one night on the beach was spent in front of youtube learning how to shuffle. The shuffle i might add that i already knew how to do (kinda, Ok not really) because i was around the first time that the Running Man was cool.

"Everyday I'm Shuffling."

Did i mention the make overs that occurred nightly?

So what if the end result was a princess with a beard:)

So there you have it. Three amazing days of just being together.

....and  i swear on our sisterhood i couldn't have been given a more perfect sister

                                             ......i love you.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

By any other name...

I like words..... I like the way that one or two unexpectedly put together can create poetry. I like words that make you feel and remember and laugh and ache. I like words, and i like knowing the meaning behind them, be it purposeful or suggested. I like words, and I used to like putting them to music....but that is another post.

Laying in bed tonight with Ava as she fell asleep, i started to think about Paloma and where we fit into this whole new world of ours. I started to get pissed about Holland again and some way or another i started to think about whether it was true or not, if really and truly the pain would never, ever, ever go away. ......Was Paloma indeed never allowed to see Rome?

And then i laughed.... out loud.

Because i remembered......

Sophia Loren...........

Enter my girls Ava Loren and Paloma Sophia....

Yes i named my girls after an Italian icon, yes i did it on purpose and yes this makes me happy in my heart right now.

Tonight Sophia Loren has become a patron saint of sorts over my two sleeping girls.
My two starlets....and proof that we have a little bit of Italia in our lives after all.

Paloma: "Dove"
After Paloma was born, i did not want to name her Paloma. I did not want to call her Paloma Sophia Jane. I thought that the name Paloma belonged to another little girl, the little girl that i thought i was getting. I had held the name, tucked away in my heart since Ava was only days old. I used to sing her to sleep with a Mexican folk song called Cuucuurruucucu Paloma. That song like no other reached into my heart the first time i heard it........ and broke it.

I wondered toward the end of my pregnancy if i named her Paloma, if she would also break my heart.....

 My sweet baby dove, you were always my Paloma.

 Paloma Harriett Jane.......your great grandma.

Jane: "God's Gift"

Paloma Sophia Jane.....

I did not know the meaning of the name Jane until after i had Paloma. I lost My grandma five months before Paloma was born. She left us holding my hand. Words can not express the love i have for my grandma. Although she never meant Paloma on earth, she knew Paloma was coming, and i like to think that they had five months together to hug and kiss and play. I miss my grandma, and i talk to her every single day.

And as i type i am curled up in this same green and white blanket and yes it still smells like her. (thanks mom)

One day this blanket will belong to Paloma.......because i know my grandma would have loved her like crazy..... that she loves her like crazy.

So there you have it. A name, a few unsuspecting words, that together make me feel, remember, laugh and ache.

Paloma Sophia hell of a name for one hell of a gal:)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Ava You're Mine......

For those of you who know me, this title is very familiar. For those of you who do not, just click here and it will make a little more sense.

Last week was a very big week. Last week Ava started pre-k. And last week i came to the realization that my baby is indeed a big girl. And oh how i miss my baby............

My heart has ached for her a little more than usual with her gone now during the day. Even now as i type and she sleeps quietly beside me i ache. You know that feeling of baby love that you feel so deeply that it hurts....that is how i feel. I am so in love with my Ava and i am afraid that lately i have not shown her enough of that love. I suppose this a new level of mommy guilt that comes along with having a child with special needs. You always question if you are showing equal love or attention to your other children. I'd like to think that the answer is yes, yes i have.......but no, it has not been equal.

This hurts me beyond words.

So, i read an extra book to her at night, we make batches of home made cookies while Paloma sleeps, and i try to say "yes," when it is so much easier to say "no."

Is this helping to relieve my guilt? I don't think so. Will i always feel guilty over this? Maybe.... but i hope not.

Sweet sleepy Ava...mommy misses you.

I know that this new phase in our relationship is no less beautiful than the one we have shared over the past four years. In many ways my love for Ava has multiplied one billion times more since Paloma was born. Watching true unconditional love and acceptance has been a thing of beauty and i hope i never forget the delicate balance of emotions that these first few months with Paloma have brought.

One moment i will never ever forget, is the first night we had Paloma home from the hospital. My mom and Hugo's mom were working around the house and it was the first time Hugo, Ava and I had been alone with Paloma, just the four of us. We were all cuddled in the bed and Ava was holding her new sister. And then, very a matter of fact, Ava looked up at Hugo and said, "Daddy, Paloma wants to hear Just The Way You Are."

and don't you know my Ava sang that song, the song we sang everyday to each other, to her sister......she held her in her arms, and sang...and she meant every word.....

Hugo and I sat there and cried. 

The love in that room that night, set the standard for how we would raise our girls.

Ava set that standard.

And one day when she is old enough, i will tell her that.

la da da la da da da da da ........Ava you're mine.