For those of you who know me, this title is very familiar. For those of you who do not, just click here and it will make a little more sense.
Last week was a very big week. Last week Ava started pre-k. And last week i came to the realization that my baby is indeed a big girl. And oh how i miss my baby............
My heart has ached for her a little more than usual with her gone now during the day. Even now as i type and she sleeps quietly beside me i ache. You know that feeling of baby love that you feel so deeply that it hurts....that is how i feel. I am so in love with my Ava and i am afraid that lately i have not shown her enough of that love. I suppose this a new level of mommy guilt that comes along with having a child with special needs. You always question if you are showing equal love or attention to your other children. I'd like to think that the answer is yes, yes i have.......but no, it has not been equal.
This hurts me beyond words.
So, i read an extra book to her at night, we make batches of home made cookies while Paloma sleeps, and i try to say "yes," when it is so much easier to say "no."
Is this helping to relieve my guilt? I don't think so. Will i always feel guilty over this? Maybe.... but i hope not.
Sweet sleepy Ava...mommy misses you.
I know that this new phase in our relationship is no less beautiful than the one we have shared over the past four years. In many ways my love for Ava has multiplied one billion times more since Paloma was born. Watching true unconditional love and acceptance has been a thing of beauty and i hope i never forget the delicate balance of emotions that these first few months with Paloma have brought.
One moment i will never ever forget, is the first night we had Paloma home from the hospital. My mom and Hugo's mom were working around the house and it was the first time Hugo, Ava and I had been alone with Paloma, just the four of us. We were all cuddled in the bed and Ava was holding her new sister. And then, very a matter of fact, Ava looked up at Hugo and said, "Daddy, Paloma wants to hear Just The Way You Are."
and don't you know my Ava sang that song, the song we sang everyday to each other, to her sister......she held her in her arms, and sang...and she meant every word.....
Hugo and I sat there and cried.
The love in that room that night, set the standard for how we would raise our girls.
Ava set that standard.
And one day when she is old enough, i will tell her that.
la da da la da da da da da ........Ava you're mine.