And there is nothing better than going into full on hysterics on the floor of your computer room to your husband, because your dog barked at a dieing raccoon. A dog that you then touched, that probably gave you rabies, and since you are breastfeeding, now has also given your baby rabies. This is a true story, and it was a real fear....just ask my sister.
Or maybe the sinus infection that caused you to smell funny smells, and when you googled "funny smells" brain tumor was listed among causes like, STRESS, weight loss, oh yeah and SINUS INFECTION.. Fast forward to hysterics on the floor of your closet crying to your sister that you don't want to die. This is also a true story, and it was a real fear.....just ask my husband.
And the Lyme Disease...... just ask my mom about the tick i found on my leg at eleven weeks pregnant that comes back to haunt me every time a joint hurts, or i smell "funny smells." Did i mention that Lyme disease was also on that list of possible causes, right next to sinus infection, and brain tumor?
My logical side can look at these things and know that it is really crazy. I am laughing even now as i write it down. Lets face it, it's crazy....go ahead, laugh:)
But you know what else was crazy? Me on the couch late at night talking to my sister, worried about Down Syndrome, and her laughing and promising me Paloma did not have Down Syndrome or anything else i was worried about......
and then me two days after Paloma was born on the floor in hysterics, because Paloma does have Down Syndrome. And i worried about it endlessly, and what seemed like the worst case scenario happened. So now i think i'm almost hard wired to believe that all of my worst case scenarios will also happen.
(and just a quick note, that worst case scenario is sleeping next to me cuddled up with my heart wrapped around her little curved pinkie.)
So where i'm getting at is, how do i get back to just being April again? Because i used to write songs, I used to laugh and smile and i used to be able to have a sinus infection, and just have a sinus infection.
I don't really know the answer, but i do know that i can't do it alone. So i reached out. I put it out there and i told a complete stranger about me having rabies. And you know what? She didn't laugh. She understood.
And i'm not saying this "Banished to Holland" reasoning will ever truly go away. It may never go away. Paloma may always be my reminder that some times things do happen, things that are out of our control, things that were not in our plan...happen. I don't know...i just don't know.
But i want to get better, I so want to get better, because someone said there are Tulips here too.
Goedenavond beetje tulp:)
I want you to know your mom is crying right now... and to me, the two of you are the most beautiful tulips in Holland.
ReplyDeleteApril,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, and I don't know you, save for what I've read on your blog (so, I know you as well as someone can over the 'net, which is not at all). While our life-changing experience is not the same, I do understand one thing. I understand the enormous struggle to cope with what we did not expect. I understand the tears shed because things aren't what we thought they would be, the anger at how things aren't how we think they should be, the grieving for things that will never be, and the fear of the unknown. You are not alone. You will never be alone. You will find your way through this. Those sad, confused, angry thoughts will one day melt away, when you're not looking because you're too busy playing with your precious girls, and instead in their place will be the most precious gift of all. The knowledge that life really isn't always great. It sucks sometimes, and sometimes a LOT. With this knowledge comes the appreciation of everything minuscule and often overlooked by those that have never experienced true hardship. Things will return to normal, but a *new* normal. We only go through this life once, and even though it may not be the one we planned, it is the one that was chosen for us and you are one of the lucky ones that will enjoy it to it's fullest, because you know what it's truly about. Here's a big virtual {HUG} from a stranger, you are NOT alone.
you sound an awfull lot like kelle hamptons blog she mention something baout holland last year when she had her down syndrome baby you two also have the same hair cut!
ReplyDelete