Lessons learned and life in the movies

I suppose my last two posts have not been blissfully happy or full of warm fuzzy ramblings about my girls. I write mainly about the positives in my life because mainly my life is positive. I do not feel the need to sensor myself. Do i choose not to write on bad days? Sometimes.......why do i do this?

To be quite honest it is for fear of being judged. There it is.....i'm shallow....i don't want others to think i love my daughter less because sometimes i struggle. A struggle that to the outsider may appear to be over her.....but in reality it is just a mother loving her child........ even more truthful.....i don't want someone to think that i don't want her, or that i regret having her.......and for all the being careful...and all the outside smiles...and all the.......positives.....someone said it, "Well, give her up for adoption then." "Someone would welcome that baby into their family with open arms." ......silence no reply...........

Yes this was said to me.....and not by a stranger, not by a friend.....but by a family member.

This is why i believe that so many moms, that have children with a few more needs struggle internally......This is why i believe that some moms feel isolated.... This is why i believe we outwardly recover quickly from a surprise diagnosis and feel the need to spout off about unicorns and rainbows......but in reality....i'm sixteen months into something that this other person could not possibly imagine.....because today i went to neurology and made big choices...right choices...choices to be proud of.....and then we went to developmental therapy where Paloma was freaking awesome and said "duck".......and this other person.....well.....they probably.....did none of that. And tomorrow when we go to physical therapy and count how many steps Paloma can take, or speech therapy and we work on blowing bubbles....well.....they probably....will do none of that either......

And because  I was starting to feel like i couldn't do it alone, i reached out.....i did what all the books and web sites tell you to do.....i admitted i needed help,.........yes, i may have said down syndrome felt like prison, and that Paloma got screwed....i may have been cursing and yelling and furious about a whole heck of a lot........am i ashamed of how i feel? No way........i just told this to the wrong person.......and this one person said out loud my number one reason for not wanting people to see me cry...........see it's true......people will judge you and think you do not want your child if you open up about your struggles........lesson learned.............will i quit being honest about how i feel....maybe.....
.........lesson learned?

Well if you noticed this title is a double header....because this same person told me to go see some Disney movie about a boy with leaves on his legs and how it would make me appreciate my life.......i'm serious............and honestly, it felt like another slap in the face......because not being grateful is so far from where i am at this point in my life......but people who have no idea....have no idea.....this person might as well have told me to go see Forest Gump..........

However the most notable part of the night, was a line from a movie in one of the previews....... i finally have my response to this person who told me to give my daughter away.....are you ready...you may want to memorize it...or make a t-shirt....or make me a t-shirt......

Here it goes...
"You know those mothers who lift two ton cars off of their babies?" " They have NOTHING on me!"

Now that is my kind of movie:)