The goings on.

I hadn't quite been able to put into words what i had been feeling after Paloma's central sleep apnea diagnosis.....until i found this post.
And this is exactly how i feel......and it has already been put into words for me. We are lost at sea....the four of us....treading water...taking turns between kicking and resting.......mainly Hugo and i, because that's what mommies and daddies do...they tread water for their children. They keep rafts afloat and jump from sinking ships.........so if  you are wondering where i have been........i'm right here........treading water.......resting.........and then....more treading.....

One of the jokes of motherhood, is how new mothers often wake their sleeping babies to see if they are breathing.....or how, a not so new mom, may sneak into her five yearold's room, lower her head to the bed.....and stare at her child's face until breathing has been verified......yes i do this.....because thats what mommies do.....we are the breathing police........

but somehow........eleven times a night, for the past seventeen months......i have failed at this very important job. Because Paloma stops breathing. Her brain fails to tell her to take the next breath. Something somewhere is not connecting..........and we may or we may not be able to find out why that is. All i know is that now...putting her to bed has a new sense of dread and fear.......because fact.......there will be times when i check on her, and she will not be breathing........it happened last night.....and all i could do was lay there and count the seconds until her brain decided to do its job and let my baby breathe........incert favorite four letter word here.......enjoy these pictures while i tread....





Na na naboo boo......Paloma is mine:)