The goings on.

I hadn't quite been able to put into words what i had been feeling after Paloma's central sleep apnea diagnosis.....until i found this post.
And this is exactly how i feel......and it has already been put into words for me. We are lost at sea....the four of us....treading water...taking turns between kicking and resting.......mainly Hugo and i, because that's what mommies and daddies do...they tread water for their children. They keep rafts afloat and jump from sinking ships.........so if  you are wondering where i have been........i'm right here........treading water.......resting.........and then....more treading.....

One of the jokes of motherhood, is how new mothers often wake their sleeping babies to see if they are breathing.....or how, a not so new mom, may sneak into her five yearold's room, lower her head to the bed.....and stare at her child's face until breathing has been verified......yes i do this.....because thats what mommies do.....we are the breathing police........

but somehow........eleven times a night, for the past seventeen months......i have failed at this very important job. Because Paloma stops breathing. Her brain fails to tell her to take the next breath. Something somewhere is not connecting..........and we may or we may not be able to find out why that is. All i know is that now...putting her to bed has a new sense of dread and fear.......because fact.......there will be times when i check on her, and she will not be breathing........it happened last night.....and all i could do was lay there and count the seconds until her brain decided to do its job and let my baby breathe........incert favorite four letter word here.......enjoy these pictures while i tread....





Na na naboo boo......Paloma is mine:)

A new room.

This is my favorite blog,....... that i never read.........I found her six moths before Paloma was born, and then again two days after Paloma was born........Her birth story, her girls, i felt an instant connection....."look at how beautiful her life is," I thought, "And it happened to her.".......One year and three months ahead of me......it was like i could look into the future. I read until my eyes were nearly swollen shut from crying......i looked for hints and clues to how Paloma would do....... based on Nella, hints and clues as to how i would do...based on Kellie..........and how beautiful it all looked.
And yes i know that she chooses what to write, and that it is such a small piece of her own reality....but after a while. The connection that i felt began to unravel ...because i am living my entire story....not the most perfect snap shots of hers........

And i do not always blog my entire story either...because i'm afraid........and i'm real....and sometimes writing about the good, feels so much better than hashing out the bad.....but today...just as i thought we had crossed the latest hurdles with Paloma, including  the diagnose of a genetic mutation, ear tubes and othotics for both legs.....all in the past two weeks......another unexpected blow.........and of all people i got mad at Kellie Hampton..........

We found another room......because i went looking.......central sleep apnea.
 And i feel as if the rug has been swept from underneath me. Because now words like neurologist and MRI and brain stem will become part of my new vocabulary.........and because i'm her mom...and because i would fight until  death for her, i have to learn yet another facet of my child's body and how and why it functions......because if i don't, some Dr. will yet again try to walk all over me. .............So if you are wondering why i am writing this....it's because i am real....and while loving Paloma is the sweetest thing i have ever felt.....loving Paloma also hurts more than anything i have ever felt. And i'm hurting so bad i could rip my heart out...........and the thought of it all..........i want to fold.......i want to run away........i'm tired......i'm spent..........and if another medical student or Dr. looks at me and asks about my impressive medical knowledge or how i know so many "big words" i may have to scream in their faces, "Because this my child you idiot! And i have made it my life's work to care for my children! Because i love this baby so bad it hurts.....because if i don't learn all of these "big words" and the names of all the vertebrates in her neck, than you may confuse me for someone who will not question your opinions!"................

So there it is....another small part of the story........And for the record....i am all for spreading the overwhelmingly positive and beautiful side of this story..........but once in a while
the whole truth needs to be told.


I love you Paloma...........my sweet baby dove.....

Room by Room.....

A little over two years ago, we left a beautiful, fully updated home in a gated community on the islands. A home that happened to sit snugly in between two of the world's most perfect neighbors, and had it's own live in ghost. A home, that at the time, i thought was as close to perfect as i was ever going to get.....

I still remember this day.....



because it was perfect.....



Did i mention that it was utopia?............. Well, we left utopia.....and we bought a foreclosure.

To the untrained eye, our new house probably looked more like the aftermath of a natural disaster than  a home. It had black toilet bowls, rotting counter tops, and pink tile......it had been all used up........But we saw more.......And over the past two years my husband has painstakingly and lovingly spent his nights, weekends and days off, building that  "more."

And for all the changes, it wasn't until we started the project of turning the spare room into Ava's class room, did it really hit me......what we were doing......... and how it mirrored our lives.
Maybe it's because we are building this room for Ava, or maybe it was because you can finally see from one finished room into the next finished room........... and it just feels good. Or maybe it's because we've taken something and made it beautiful. Honestly, i don't know...but it has gotten me very sentimental............ and many Saturdays have been spent pouring love into this room.



I love spending time with Hugo while he works....... Hugo working on a project means late nights up talking and dreaming big.....and after exactly fifteen years together tomorrow, there is still no one else i'd rather share those big dreams with. Which is probably why, much to the horror of our dear friend, and realtor, we agreed on this particular house......who wants easy? Easy is boring.........



Each of us has had our part in creating Ava's space, and although it is a work in progress....we are almost there...............

The girls spend hours going through the new school books and turning boxes into ships.....


My Ava......she loves her books....



Caught intruding in their moment.....



In this house, and in this room, i am living a dream that i have had since i was a child.......So see, the perfect that i thought we had left, for something that seemed so much bigger than us, for something that at the time, looking at room by room, seemed next to impossible...and all the work and challenges that each room held.........when approached one room at a time, with patience and an understanding that mistakes will be made...was doable......It was all doable.....and before you know it, all those rooms become your home.......and you happily dream new dreams in your life, i mean home, that you have made beautiful........room by room......



And for all the utopias, and all the "perfects" you think you have to leave behind, some times all you really need,........... is a room the color of a Tiffany box.

Full speed ahead

We have had a lot of rainy afternoons here in Savannah as of late. The day will start of perfectly hot and sticky and seemingly uneventful........then sometime around five o'clock the clouds will start rolling in and the thunder will sound it's alarm. Ava and i have been loving the storms. And the girls have found some very creative ways to pass the time.....



Sometimes Paloma puts up with it.........and sometimes not so much....



because our sweet baby Paloma, isn't so much of a baby these days.


"Don't you know?" as Daddy says, "She's not a toy?"



She's not a toy and she's not a baby anymore. She is doing all sorts of big girl things. She is into everything and loving her new found Independence. She goes around the house finding messes to make and pets to torment. She is growing up, full speed ahead, and it is so bitter sweet.



Yes she stands now...she worked on this skill until she mastered it...



Taking steps is the latest skill on her list.



And seeing as she is already doing it, it will only be a matter of time until we have a walker....

And this finger....this perfect pointer, that she points with and uses so perfectly.....gets me every time.



Sweet Paloma....you are amazing....and as Aunt Mimi says, "So cute i just want to freak out!"



I love you Lady P:)