Under Current

There is something stirring beneath the surface, something has shifted, and like many times before, it is taking me a few days to find my footing. .... a quiet quickening, a sudden thought...and if i'm not careful a moment of self doubt that threatens to bring down all of the good of my day...our day.

Ava found some good...and she took a picture.........


I have been questioning.... Why? Why do i feel so........off....and then it hit me........it's been nearly a year.
It's been nearly a year since my world was rocked.......
And my heart is getting ready for that day, that moment on the clock, on April 7th, at 5:34.......when it was broken in half........


My life is now defined in two parts, clearly and perfectly divided...before Paloma, and after Paloma.....and as much as it has hurt......i like this second part much better.
But that doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt sometimes. Because it does.......especially now, and for reasons that i won't say, i'm hurting........

I have come to realize that what i have been feeling, is an under current of sorts, and it is me pulling back to where it all began... to those first hours with Paloma.  What we felt, was so gut wrenching, and so real....a hurt like no other, and that place that we lived in those first few days was unlike any earthly place, or state of being that i had ever felt...... Such a rich, heightened sense of fear and love, heartache and the unknown.......all in one tiny face.....


It is still so raw, that i can barely look at pictures of her birth....... because i remember that girl........and i want to tell her that it will all be ok...more than ok.......and i want to hold her baby....and love her while she gathers the strength to do it herself....because i know the ending, and i know this love.....

I want to go back to that room, but i don't know what i will find.....will i find who i left there? I don't think so......

That's the thing about under currents...they decide where they take you.

And i think i need to ride this wave all the way to the end.
.......because my baby is turning one.......and this time, when that clock hits 5:34...my heart better get ready........

Because it's gona explode......

And i'm gona celebrate the hell out of my lucky little package.....