........

When i was twelve years old, my dad told me his secret......i was not his first child...there was a boy...nearly four years older. He was eighteen, she was sixteen, they were in love....she hid her pregnancy...they wanted to keep the baby...she was too young...they were forced apart...the three of them. I cried...i longed for my big brother.

As the years passed i wondered where he was, at that exact same moment, who was he with, what was he doing.....he will be driving soon....he will be graduating high school soon...he could be in college....is he married?....does he have children?...did i pass him on the street?...does he know?.....I know....

Every now and then we would begin searching again...propelled forward by the feeling that we would find him...talking to the birth mother...putting together another piece....searching another adoption board....another dead end. Taking a break until someone would bring him up in a conversation, or someone would have a dream about him...the search would resume.

What does he look like?.... Is he tall?.... Does he have curly hair?..Does he laugh like us, smile like us, does he have our blue eyes?......

And then out of the blue a thought a feeling...."Keep looking." So i went to my computer and i searched again...this time...i looked in a new place...i asked a new person...pieces i didn't remember others knew...and by the evening we had a birthday...then a name....then a face.

All of those years...came down to one face....and then a number...and then a voice. A voice that sounded so eerily similiar to my brother Jason...the same pauses, the same tone, the same laugh... Twenty years of looking, and waiting and hoping...would be over once the test would confirm...what i knew from the first moment i saw.....my brother John.

A moment in time...

Measuring time means a lot to me...keeping journals, celebrating anniversaries, looking back at how my girls have grown...i have always been one of those people that said, "this time last year...." and "This time next Christmas...." It keeps me aware of how important it is to be in the moment...how quickly a day can turn into...."Two years ago...." 

last night as i lay in bed, i remembered.... when on that night, two years ago, my water had broke......I laid there in the dark, on my back, and tried to relive each detail....eventually i fell asleep....dreaming....remembering...... This morning when i woke up...i instantly checked the clock..."This time, two years ago.." I thought.."I still had no idea." And then i slipped out of bed...kissed the beautiful sleeping messy haired girl beside me and said, " Happy birthday big girl." "We did it!" "You are two!"

I then meant my beautiful, sweet, passing through friend and her husband for breakfast...and drove home thinking...."This time two years ago...."

I continued this check in as the day progressed.....until 5:30...

I sometimes like to imagine a world where time can be manipulated... where the me now, can walk into the hospital room of the me then....where maybe i can just slip in past the nurses, maybe catch myself alone...where i can sit on the corner of my own bed...take sleeping Paloma in my arms and pass myself a file...a folder..an album...filled with photographs...memories..struggles...triumphs...all the love that the past two years has held....right there...right then....i like to imagine this....i wish i could have been there...to tell myself..."You are wrong." "You have never been more wrong." "Life is beautiful....just look at this thriving big girl."

Paloma...I love you beyond measure...your life is a gift...you are treasured, you are loved by so many.....and today...was full of happiness, celebration, and so much love......you are my small lucky package....."Happy birthday big girl." "We did it!" "You are two!"