........

When i was twelve years old, my dad told me his secret......i was not his first child...there was a boy...nearly four years older. He was eighteen, she was sixteen, they were in love....she hid her pregnancy...they wanted to keep the baby...she was too young...they were forced apart...the three of them. I cried...i longed for my big brother.

As the years passed i wondered where he was, at that exact same moment, who was he with, what was he doing.....he will be driving soon....he will be graduating high school soon...he could be in college....is he married?....does he have children?...did i pass him on the street?...does he know?.....I know....

Every now and then we would begin searching again...propelled forward by the feeling that we would find him...talking to the birth mother...putting together another piece....searching another adoption board....another dead end. Taking a break until someone would bring him up in a conversation, or someone would have a dream about him...the search would resume.

What does he look like?.... Is he tall?.... Does he have curly hair?..Does he laugh like us, smile like us, does he have our blue eyes?......

And then out of the blue a thought a feeling...."Keep looking." So i went to my computer and i searched again...this time...i looked in a new place...i asked a new person...pieces i didn't remember others knew...and by the evening we had a birthday...then a name....then a face.

All of those years...came down to one face....and then a number...and then a voice. A voice that sounded so eerily similiar to my brother Jason...the same pauses, the same tone, the same laugh... Twenty years of looking, and waiting and hoping...would be over once the test would confirm...what i knew from the first moment i saw.....my brother John.

A moment in time...

Measuring time means a lot to me...keeping journals, celebrating anniversaries, looking back at how my girls have grown...i have always been one of those people that said, "this time last year...." and "This time next Christmas...." It keeps me aware of how important it is to be in the moment...how quickly a day can turn into...."Two years ago...." 

last night as i lay in bed, i remembered.... when on that night, two years ago, my water had broke......I laid there in the dark, on my back, and tried to relive each detail....eventually i fell asleep....dreaming....remembering...... This morning when i woke up...i instantly checked the clock..."This time, two years ago.." I thought.."I still had no idea." And then i slipped out of bed...kissed the beautiful sleeping messy haired girl beside me and said, " Happy birthday big girl." "We did it!" "You are two!"

I then meant my beautiful, sweet, passing through friend and her husband for breakfast...and drove home thinking...."This time two years ago...."

I continued this check in as the day progressed.....until 5:30...

I sometimes like to imagine a world where time can be manipulated... where the me now, can walk into the hospital room of the me then....where maybe i can just slip in past the nurses, maybe catch myself alone...where i can sit on the corner of my own bed...take sleeping Paloma in my arms and pass myself a file...a folder..an album...filled with photographs...memories..struggles...triumphs...all the love that the past two years has held....right there...right then....i like to imagine this....i wish i could have been there...to tell myself..."You are wrong." "You have never been more wrong." "Life is beautiful....just look at this thriving big girl."

Paloma...I love you beyond measure...your life is a gift...you are treasured, you are loved by so many.....and today...was full of happiness, celebration, and so much love......you are my small lucky package....."Happy birthday big girl." "We did it!" "You are two!"

...to the end of the universe

 As many of you may know, today is 3.21....World Down syndrome day....for three copies of the twenty first chromosome....a day that had past me by thirty one times until Paloma...a day that on it's thirty third pass i was finally at a place to celebrate....and celebrate i did...in my own way...with virtual friends...real life friends....with family...with people whom i have never met, states away....we celebrated.
I had originally planed some type of epic blog about how for me awareness is more in noticing the miracle of a baby that can eat a pea and pass it freely through her rerouted GI track, than in national campaigns....or that the beauty and wonder i wake up to everyday has brought more awareness and beauty to my life and enriched me in ways beyond measure......but of course i am aware....i am her mother.....



Good morning beautiful.....

So i decided...no pre planned blog...no agenda....just a stream of conscious that may or not make sense........no editing....no re-reading.....so here it goes....

Last night, when i decided to just sit down and write what ever came to my mind...i panicked a little...i wondered if anything that i had to say really mattered to anyone else...and that maybe i should be more focused on the big picture..... and changing the world on a day like today....but...instead i thought about my little world...and if i had been able to make an impact...if i had done my job at home, with my own daughter...my family...if my friends..many who had known and loved people with Down syndrome....learned a little more...had a little more happiness...grown a little somewhere inside because they have watched Paloma grow into a thriving toddler before their eyes....or on a computer screen...

And then i thought that i would ask my friends and family to tell me how and if they have grown or become more aware in any way.....and i planned on blogging late into the night...but then Paloma fell asleep in my arms...and in that moment...i decided to slip into bed with both of my babies....and that before i could blog about 3.21...i had to live 3.21....and for me awareness in that moment was the fact that i was in the moment...and i was holding a beautiful baby......

/
...where i am going with all of this? Honestly.....i do not know.....i know that because of Paloma i am a better person, i am a stronger person, i am closer to God, i am closer to myself......i have been to what felt like the gates of hell with Paloma.....i have suffered..i have cried...i have felt jealousy, self pity....and self doubt....but as a friend so eloquently put it.." You have to commit yourself on a grand scale, dive off the deep end, go to the end of the universe if need be, and you have to be brave." and i have done those things, and i have been to those places, and i am brave....and also all the while..i have been aware...and i may not have changed the world yet..but Paloma has changed my world...and i will forever fight to change hers....
 

and if anything...today showed me that the world is changing.....so what do you say? Who is with me on this beautiful journey in loving this precious little person? And who knows......we just might make it to the end of the universe.....

 

Dear Lady,

Every child is a gift... Every child is a promise....Every child has the ability to make us more aware, more grateful, more mindful....not just my child.

Every parent is given a wonderful blessing, a new life, a challenge, uncertainties.....not just me.

We are all individuals, valuable, eager to love and be loved, curious, scared...searching. We are all a part of the same family. Not just your sister and my daughter.....

Paloma waves just like Paloma waves, and she smiles like only Paloma can...she loves people because she has out grown her fear of strangers...and she and her sister and her daddy are the three most special gifts i could have ever been given. One child no more a blessing than the other...both my babies...equal....loved.

I thought about our conversation for days.....I decided in the end, it all came down to love, and a difference in times.....so, let me do what i should have done when i had the chance...."No, she is not Down's. She is mine. And her name is Paloma Sophia Jane." 

Full Circle...

When i was college, being on stage was just about the only place that i wanted to be...

I sang..

I tried to dance....

And i was very dramatic..

And wet....

I made enough memories to last a life time and discovered things about myself that i never knew where there. I love the theater, i miss the theater, i know in my heart of hearts that i am not through with ....the theater.

And oh how my heart swelled up with pride this weekend, as i watched my own flesh and blood dance on a stage that i too have danced upon....

Watching Ava on that stage was like nothing that i had expected. She was absolutely stunning and so precise...so prepared and confidant....so graceful and aware of her role and responsibilities. I could not believe just how much time has passed...and that without knowing i have somehow passed the "torch." Or the "bug" as they say.....

My beautiful ballerina....already more of a dancer than i ever hoped of becoming...

And Lady P was there to keep her in line...

Eager for the fall when she can show em her stuff...

I love you Ava..to the moon and back and around the world and one hundred stars and Jesus's heart....
You made me a mama and now better yet.... my dream of dreams.... a stage mama....
And never ever was there a cuter mouse:)

Catching Up

Where have we been?

Homeschooling, cleaning, running from place to place, finding patience when i have no more, taking in moments with my beautiful children when i really want to take a bath and lock the door.... learning how to manage a home with a husband that travels, arranging therapy to fit the "big picture" not to feed the "am i doing enough monster"....... loving life, dealing with anxiety, being mindful of the awesomeness that is Paloma eating a pea, watching Ava blossom into a beautiful big girl, watching Paloma master, slowly, the art of walking, singing, dancing, being stressed beyond belief......living my one wild and precious life.......and loving every minute.

We carved pumpkins...in a messy house..

 Paloma found a taste for pumpkin guts ........

Ava and i spread peace and love to "trick or treaters" everywhere.

We went to the park..

We started a business....(more to come on that)

We ate turkey and and added an elf to our shelf:)  Paloma made it into her first publication, page 40, and started going to school like a big girl........and i..... have vowed..... to be, a better blogger.... And never to use correct punctuation:)

A field trip.....

All week i had been playing up "field trip day" to Ava. I talked about the museum, the world's largest ipad, an outdoor lunch, and a walk downtown. When "field trip day" finally came, i woke up early....i washed my hair...and i put on makeup. The day was beautiful, and i just knew that my first home school field trip was going to play out like some sort of mommy daughter dream day......truth is, it did end up being a dream day with my daughters...but, if you had told me that half way in, i am afraid i would not have believed you.

I should have been more tuned into Ava. We've had some changes lately, and change, even when good for the big picture, can be hard for the five year old picture.

Ava was unusually melancholy, and would not even turn for a smile......

And as the universe would have it. Today of all days. The world's largest ipad was turned off.....and the girls were more interested in the glass walls of the hallway than the exhibits.....so, we played in the hall.....

 Paloma really loved these walls......

So after our time spent in the hall, we found a seating area and the girls entertained themselves climbing on tables....yes, i let my baby climb on the tables....it's good for her..and no one seemed to care....

 Sweet Paloma still crawling like a hermit crab.........and looking quite perfectly chunky i might add...

I had thought at this point that the day was looking up...but no. Ava made a bad decision and lost the ice cream part of our out door lunch. This was so hard for me to take away from her...i don't know if i made the right decision....i was trying to be consistent...and ugh...i don't know...i was just trying.....and it took every ounce of patience i could muster to get out of that museum and to start digging through my mental bag of parenting tricks.

We started our day over, right there down town....we said, "good morning!" and "Oh look we've magically appeared downtown!" but..... when a game of "punch bug" went sour all i could do was laugh.....Ava of course was not amused........

Nothing was going her way.....

It was at this moment, seeing her there, that it hit me. I had planed our field trip, i had picked where we would eat lunch..i had all of these expectations for the day, and Ava was just along for the ride. Ava hadn't really had any say so, what so ever in our day........and then when she rebelled against not having any power, i took her ice cream away........well, because i couldn't go back on my word and give her ice cream, i gave her something better....i gave her power. I gave her the camera and told her that i would follow her lead. I told her to take me to what ever store that she wanted, and i told her to find things that made her happy, and to just take pictures.........this was not a bag of tricks kind of day....this was an Ava needs her mommy kind of day.

For the first time that day Ava really smiled.....And I didn't tell her what to take pictures of...... And i didn't look at her shots after she had snapped them, i just let myself follow her lead....a lead that led us to one of her favorite stores....a lead that led us to such a wonderful time looking at all of the beautiful trinkets and pretty sparkly things, that i forgot that we were having a rough day......in fact when she handed me back the camera, i didn't even think to look at her pictures....it wasn't until i got home and got both of the girls into bed that i could really look at them...........

Ava's pictures took my breath away.....

Ava knows beauty........

And Ava knows detail....

This one is my personal favorite.....I love that Ava found so much beauty in these glass bottles......

And of course Ava could not leave out her "Palomita" as she calls her...

My beautiful girl...as seen by my other beautiful girl...

Ava...my sweet luminous Ava.....thank you for a dream day with my beautiful daughters...even if we didn't have ice cream or get to play on the world's largest ipad....our "field trip day" was perfect....