tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24170249959145704072024-02-19T08:14:43.626-08:00Small Lucky PackageApril Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-87831113003851094782017-04-11T19:07:00.001-07:002017-04-11T19:16:47.247-07:00Beautiful Paloma<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px;">
I suppose there are a lot of things that i am still unable to say out loud. Saying things out loud can give them power, can make them grow and take root and take form and take over. I refuse to allow that to happen. Instead i accept no other alternative than the fact that i will recover my daughter. </div>
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For the greater part of the past two and a half years i have been begging the question “What is wrong with Paloma?” I have asked therapist, teachers, Dr’s.. other parents, family, friends… anyone that would listen. I have cried, i have started new therapy, quit therapy, seen every type of holistic Dr, traditional Dr, home school, pre school, routine, no routine… cried more.. what was happening to my bright baby? Why was she slipping through my fingers? Why was no one listening? I began to feel crazy… like the mother always looking for something to be wrong.. maybe i just needed to wait it out. After all she would do things on her own time line.. she had stopped reading because i wasn't working with her enough..And she lost her words and didn't talk much because she has verbal apraxia..And her receptive language is so bad because i just didn't play the auditory processing games enough… that was it… i had figured it out… I had just been a bad mother.. After all hadn't i let her eat gluten while i was pregnant? And didn’t i let her watch too much TV? Never mind infection after infection… Another two… or was it three surgeries? And then the Mono that stole a year from us last summer… the strep… the pneumonia… and still i asked “What is wrong with Paloma!”</div>
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Being a special needs parent can be isolating in and of itself. Being a parent of a child with Down syndrome, who isn't like the other children with Down syndrome isn’t just isolating..it’s absolutely excruciating. The feeling of being less than, the feeling of your beautiful child being less than.. it’s more than i could handle.. slowly i left the groups.. slowly i lost touch.. but still.. “What is wrong with Paloma!” I could see it in the teacher's eyes.. the well meaning therapist when i asked her if i would ever have a conversation with my daughter.. Would my daughter ever be able to tell me about her day?… Or maybe just tell me her name? No one had answers for me out side of “Down syndrome is a spectrum.. “ or “ She may just be lower functioning….” but they didn’t know my baby.. they hadn’t seen what i had seen… those bright beautiful eyes had gone dim… and i felt like the only person in the universe who noticed… so i kept asking “What is wrong with Paloma?” Only now i had stopped asking out loud.. </div>
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Being Paloma’s mom and loving her.. is like trying to wrap your arms around the moon.. it’s catching her smile and swimming in it.. it’s that little star fish hand sliding into mine… the softness of her palm and her delicate little fingers.. her grasp.. not too tight.. just firm enough not to slip away.. that’s how it feels to love Paloma… like it could slip through your fingers.. so you cradle it..and hold it gently.. change with it… bend.. take each blow as it comes…forever humbled and never looking too far in the future… because it hurts… and i hurt enough.</div>
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And the..suddenly... sometime, give or take three weeks ago, i understood what had happened to Paloma. No one told me, and no one had written it down on a piece of paper… they didn’t have to.. it was as if suddenly Paloma’s life played backwards before my eyes.. and the pieces fell around me.. and inside my heart i had the answer.. I knew what was wrong with Paloma.. i knew why her eyes had gone dim… </div>
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So here we are… so much to say, but i won’t.. i am just going to do.. i am going to fight, and read and pray and learn and believe… i am going to hold my head up and breath. I am going to love my baby well again… and i am going to watch those eyes grow bright again…. </div>
April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-10541560903973697252013-06-19T16:50:00.000-07:002013-06-20T05:18:19.724-07:00A Sisterhood<br />
I am on a lot of boards, pages, forums, list serves and groups for Down syndrome. I get notifications daily ranging from the happy posts of a new milestone reached, to a new supplement or study being done to help our kids. I don't read every one...I don't have to...but more often than not if I need advice or a copy of the latest study I can have it at my finger tips in moments. All I need to do is send my request into the universe...and somewhere sitting at her computer is a mama who has my answer...Or if i'm hurting or just having a bad day...I can send out the simple text.."I'm struggling.," and in moments I hear back..."What's wrong?" or "Me too." This has been the case for two years and two months...and it had never occurred to me what exactly this whole thing is that I am a part of, until another wonderful mother typed these words to me.."We are in this together, this sisterhood!"<br />
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And it is a sisterhood...the mothers that have gone before me wearing their "boots," the moms that fill their days researching, fighting, working, pleading, loving..the moms that run the boards for new moms...been there done that moms...the moms that write the books and the blogs...the friends who love our children as their own family...the moms that have lost little ones to health issues but are still buddy walking and raising money year after year, because they know that this is a sisterhood and that we need them.....that my girl needs them.<br />
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And the beauty of it all..is that there is enough love and support to go on forever...those once new moms soon find themselves two years into their own journey, sending messages of support to another new mom...... who has no idea what is in store for her, or how she will ever live through all of the hurt....or "Why her?"..... And to be very honest... this is not a sisterhood that I would have ever chosen to join...but this is a sisterhood of mama warriors and world changers...this is a sisterhood of strength and love...and I am prouder than proud to be amongst these women...<br />
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...this sisterhood.April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-74470714708339383772013-05-30T17:05:00.000-07:002013-05-30T17:05:29.641-07:00I want to be a unicorn...My <a href="http://smallluckypackage.blogspot.com/2013/04/blog-post.html" target="_blank">brother John</a> sent me a blog post the other night...it was written for his gym's blog...it was about the difficulties of cross fit and pulling from your inner unicorn when the work out gets too tough...your inner awesome unicorn...the next day we joked about being unicorns...because that's what brothers and sisters do..they have inside jokes...even brothers and sisters who have only known each other since Easter...still it got me thinking....<br />
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Those of you that know me best, know that i am no where near the supper mom that this blog or facebook makes me appear to be..in fact this week i made a pact with myself to stop yelling at Ava because that had become my discipline of choice...yelling..at a six year old...yeah not my best moments..but i have not yelled since that day..have i gone in the bathroom and counted to ten? Yes...have i said slowly with my heart pounding.."Mommy needs a minute before we can talk."..Yes...because i want to be a mommy unicorn...<br />
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Those of you that know me best know that i am not the bad ass therapy mom or doctor putter in their placer (is that a word) that this blog or face book makes me appear to be...in fact it's Thursday and Paloma has not been given any new sight words...done any oral motor...worked on steps..done monkey bars..matched colors or done one single puzzle..not sad...but true...but today i created new goals and laid a plan out for the summer...oh and i almost forgot...i haven't had to argue with doctors in quite a while..hopefully those days are over....<br />
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And last of all..those of you who know me best, know that i am not as brave as being Paloma's mom has made me out to be..in fact i am the least brave person i know..i struggle daily with anxiety...daily..i need a minor surgery...not brave...i need to drive on freeways..not brave..i need to fly to Hawaii to see my brother renew his vows..not brave...i want desperately to be pregnant again and have a baby....not brave.....but you know what...i want to be a unicorn....i want to make people around me feel my love for life and love for mothering...i want to be someone who can help others be brave...not someone who needs others to be brave for me...i want to be a unicorn...April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-415688673301783302013-04-09T18:56:00.002-07:002013-04-09T18:56:31.435-07:00........When i was twelve years old, my dad told me his secret......i was not his first child...there was a boy...nearly four years older. He was eighteen, she was sixteen, they were in love....she hid her pregnancy...they wanted to keep the baby...she was too young...they were forced apart...the three of them. I cried...i longed for my big brother.<br />
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As the years passed i wondered where he was, at that exact same moment, who was he with, what was he doing.....he will be driving soon....he will be graduating high school soon...he could be in college....is he married?....does he have children?...did i pass him on the street?...does he know?.....I know....<br />
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Every now and then we would begin searching again...propelled forward by the feeling that we would find him...talking to the birth mother...putting together another piece....searching another adoption board....another dead end. Taking a break until someone would bring him up in a conversation, or someone would have a dream about him...the search would resume.<br />
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What does he look like?.... Is he tall?.... Does he have curly hair?..Does he laugh like us, smile like us, does he have our blue eyes?......<br />
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And then out of the blue a thought a feeling...."Keep looking." So i went to my computer and i searched again...this time...i looked in a new place...i asked a new person...pieces i didn't remember others knew...and by the evening we had a birthday...then a name....then a face.<br />
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All of those years...came down to one face....and then a number...and then a voice. A voice that sounded so eerily similiar to my brother Jason...the same pauses, the same tone, the same laugh... Twenty years of looking, and waiting and hoping...would be over once the test would confirm...what i knew from the first moment i saw.....my brother John.April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-47561083428845323202013-04-07T18:34:00.000-07:002013-04-07T18:34:35.064-07:00A moment in time...Measuring time means a lot to me...keeping journals, celebrating anniversaries, looking back at how my girls have grown...i have always been one of those people that said, "this time last year...." and "This time next Christmas...." It keeps me aware of how important it is to be in the moment...how quickly a day can turn into...."Two years ago...." <br />
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last night as i lay in bed, i remembered.... when on that night, two years ago, my water had broke......I laid there in the dark, on my back, and tried to relive each detail....eventually i fell asleep....dreaming....remembering...... This morning when i woke up...i instantly checked the clock..."This time, two years ago.." I thought.."I still had no idea." And then i slipped out of bed...kissed the beautiful sleeping messy haired girl beside me and said, " Happy birthday big girl." "We did it!" "You are two!" <br />
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I then meant my beautiful, sweet, passing through friend and her husband for breakfast...and drove home thinking...."This time two years ago...."<br />
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I continued this check in as the day progressed.....until 5:30...<br />
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I sometimes like to imagine a world where time can be manipulated... where the me now, can walk into the hospital room of the me then....where maybe i can just slip in past the nurses, maybe catch myself alone...where i can sit on the corner of my own bed...take sleeping Paloma in my arms and pass myself a file...a folder..an album...filled with photographs...memories..struggles...triumphs...all the love that the past two years has held....right there...right then....i like to imagine this....i wish i could have been there...to tell myself..."You are wrong." "You have never been more wrong." "Life is beautiful....just look at this thriving big girl."<br />
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Paloma...I love you beyond measure...your life is a gift...you are treasured, you are loved by so many.....and today...was full of happiness, celebration, and so much love......you are my small lucky package....."Happy birthday big girl." "We did it!" "You are two!" <br />
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<br />April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-85185361135568036902013-03-21T18:43:00.001-07:002013-03-22T07:50:42.090-07:00...to the end of the universe <div><div>
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As many of you may know, today is 3.21....World Down syndrome day....for three copies of the twenty first chromosome....a day that had past me by thirty one times until Paloma...a day that on it's thirty third pass i was finally at a place to celebrate....and celebrate i did...in my own way...with virtual friends...real life friends....with family...with people whom i have never met, states away....we celebrated. <br />
I had originally planed some type of epic blog about how for me awareness is more in noticing the miracle of a baby that can eat a pea and pass it freely through her rerouted GI track, than in national campaigns....or that the beauty and wonder i wake up to everyday has brought more awareness and beauty to my life and enriched me in ways beyond measure......but of course i am aware....i am her mother.....<br />
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Good morning beautiful.....<br />
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So i decided...no pre planned blog...no agenda....just a stream of conscious that may or not make sense........no editing....no re-reading.....so here it goes....<br />
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Last night, when i decided to just sit down and write what ever came to my mind...i panicked a little...i wondered if anything that i had to say really mattered to anyone else...and that maybe i should be more focused on the big picture..... and changing the world on a day like today....but...instead i thought about my little world...and if i had been able to make an impact...if i had done my job at home, with my own daughter...my family...if my friends..many who had known and loved people with Down syndrome....learned a little more...had a little more happiness...grown a little somewhere inside because they have watched Paloma grow into a thriving toddler before their eyes....or on a computer screen...</div>
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And then i thought that i would ask my friends and family to tell me how and if they have grown or become more aware in any way.....and i planned on blogging late into the night...but then Paloma fell asleep in my arms...and in that moment...i decided to slip into bed with both of my babies....and that before i could blog about 3.21...i had to live 3.21....and for me awareness in that moment was the fact that i was in the moment...and i was holding a beautiful baby......</div>
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...where i am going with all of this? Honestly.....i do not know.....i know that because of Paloma i am a better person, i am a stronger person, i am closer to God, i am closer to myself......i have been to what felt like the gates of hell with Paloma.....i have suffered..i have cried...i have felt jealousy, self pity....and self doubt....but as a friend so eloquently put it.." You have to commit yourself on a grand scale, dive off the deep end, go to the end of the universe if need be, and you have to be brave." and i have done those things, and i have been to those places, and i am brave....and also all the while..i have been aware...and i may not have changed the world yet..but Paloma has changed my world...and i will forever fight to change hers....<br />
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and if anything...today showed me that the world is changing.....so what do you say? Who is with me on this beautiful journey in loving this precious little person? And who knows......we just might make it to the end of the universe.....<br />
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</div>April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-85268327192011819722012-12-20T13:02:00.000-08:002012-12-20T13:02:00.151-08:00Dear Lady,Every child is a gift... Every child is a promise....Every child has the ability to make us more aware, more grateful, more mindful....not just my child.<br />
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Every parent is given a wonderful blessing, a new life, a challenge, uncertainties.....not just me.<br />
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We are all individuals, valuable, eager to love and be loved, curious, scared...searching. We are all a part of the same family. Not just your sister and my daughter.....<br />
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Paloma waves just like Paloma waves, and she smiles like only Paloma can...she loves people because she has out grown her fear of strangers...and she and her sister and her daddy are the three most special gifts i could have ever been given. One child no more a blessing than the other...both my babies...equal....loved.<br />
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I thought about our conversation for days.....I decided in the end, it all came down to love, and a difference in times.....so, let me do what i should have done when i had the chance...."No, she is not Down's. She is mine. And her name is Paloma Sophia Jane." April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-35754778250164780052012-12-11T15:36:00.000-08:002012-12-11T15:36:15.775-08:00Full Circle...When i was college, being on stage was just about the only place that i wanted to be...<br />
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I sang..<br />
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I tried to dance....<br />
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And i was very dramatic..<br />
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And wet....<br />
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I made enough memories to last a life time and discovered things about myself that i never knew where there. I love the theater, i miss the theater, i know in my heart of hearts that i am not through with ....the theater.<br />
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And oh how my heart swelled up with pride this weekend, as i watched my own flesh and blood dance on a stage that i too have danced upon....<br />
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Watching Ava on that stage was like nothing that i had expected. She was absolutely stunning and so precise...so prepared and confidant....so graceful and aware of her role and responsibilities. I could not believe just how much time has passed...and that without knowing i have somehow passed the "torch." Or the "bug" as they say.....<br />
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My beautiful ballerina....already more of a dancer than i ever hoped of becoming...<br />
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And Lady P was there to keep her in line...<br />
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Eager for the fall when she can show em her stuff...<br />
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I love you Ava..to the moon and back and around the world and one hundred stars and Jesus's heart....<br />
You made me a mama and now better yet.... my dream of dreams.... a stage mama....<br />
And never ever was there a cuter mouse:)<br />
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<br />April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-4430688406711660792012-12-02T05:29:00.003-08:002012-12-02T05:29:31.864-08:00Catching UpWhere have we been?<br />
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Homeschooling, cleaning, running from place to place, finding patience when i have no more, taking in moments with my beautiful children when i really want to take a bath and lock the door.... learning how to manage a home with a husband that travels, arranging therapy to fit the "big picture" not to feed the "am i doing enough monster"....... loving life, dealing with anxiety, being mindful of the awesomeness that is Paloma eating a pea, watching Ava blossom into a beautiful big girl, watching Paloma master, slowly, the art of walking, singing, dancing, being stressed beyond belief......living my one wild and precious life.......and loving every minute.<br />
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We carved pumpkins...in a messy house.. <br />
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Paloma found a taste for pumpkin guts ........<br />
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Ava and i spread peace and love to "trick or treaters" everywhere.<br />
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We went to the park..<br />
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We started a business....(more to come on that)<br />
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We ate turkey and and added an elf to our shelf:) Paloma made it into her first <a href="http://somethingspecialmagazine.squarespace.com/winter-issue-savannah/?SSScrollPosition=0" target="_blank">publication</a>, page 40, and started going to school like a big girl........and i..... have vowed..... to be, a better blogger.... And never to use correct punctuation:) <br />
<br />April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-58040155796250804042012-09-22T22:25:00.000-07:002012-09-22T22:25:32.698-07:00A field trip.....All week i had been playing up "field trip day" to Ava. I talked about the museum, the world's largest ipad, an outdoor lunch, and a walk downtown. When "field trip day" finally came, i woke up early....i washed my hair...and i put on makeup. The day was beautiful, and i just knew that my first home school field trip was going to play out like some sort of mommy daughter dream day......truth is, it did end up being a dream day with my daughters...but, if you had told me that half way in, i am afraid i would not have believed you.<br />
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I should have been more tuned into Ava. We've had some changes lately, and change, even when good for the big picture, can be hard for the five year old picture.<br />
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Ava was unusually melancholy, and would not even turn for a smile......<br />
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And as the universe would have it. Today of all days. The world's largest ipad was turned off.....and the girls were more interested in the glass walls of the hallway than the exhibits.....so, we played in the hall.....<br />
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Paloma really loved these walls......<br />
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So after our time spent in the hall, we found a seating area and the girls entertained themselves climbing on tables....yes, i let my baby climb on the tables....it's good for her..and no one seemed to care....<br />
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Sweet Paloma still crawling like a hermit crab.........and looking quite perfectly chunky i might add...<br />
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I had thought at this point that the day was looking up...but no. Ava made a bad decision and lost the ice cream part of our out door lunch. This was so hard for me to take away from her...i don't know if i made the right decision....i was trying to be consistent...and ugh...i don't know...i was just trying.....and it took every ounce of patience i could muster to get out of that museum and to start digging through my mental bag of parenting tricks.<br />
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We started our day over, right there down town....we said, "good morning!" and "Oh look we've magically appeared downtown!" but..... when a game of "punch bug" went sour all i could do was laugh.....Ava of course was not amused........<br />
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Nothing was going her way.....<br />
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It was at this moment, seeing her there, that it hit me. I had planed our field trip, i had picked where we would eat lunch..i had all of these expectations for the day, and Ava was just along for the ride. Ava hadn't really had any say so, what so ever in our day........and then when she rebelled against not having any power, i took her ice cream away........well, because i couldn't go back on my word and give her ice cream, i gave her something better....i gave her power. I gave her the camera and told her that i would follow her lead. I told her to take me to what ever store that she wanted, and i told her to find things that made her happy, and to just take pictures.........this was not a bag of tricks kind of day....this was an Ava needs her mommy kind of day.<br />
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For the first time that day Ava really smiled.....And I didn't tell her what to take pictures of...... And i didn't look at her shots after she had snapped them, i just let myself follow her lead....a lead that led us to one of her favorite stores....a lead that led us to such a wonderful time looking at all of the beautiful trinkets and pretty sparkly things, that i forgot that we were having a rough day......in fact when she handed me back the camera, i didn't even think to look at her pictures....it wasn't until i got home and got both of the girls into bed that i could really look at them...........<br />
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Ava's pictures took my breath away.....<br />
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Ava knows beauty........<br />
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And Ava knows detail....<br />
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This one is my personal favorite.....I love that Ava found so much beauty in these glass bottles......<br />
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And of course Ava could not leave out her "Palomita" as she calls her...<br />
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My beautiful girl...as seen by my other beautiful girl...<br />
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Ava...my sweet luminous Ava.....thank you for a dream day with my beautiful daughters...even if we didn't have ice cream or get to play on the world's largest ipad....our "field trip day" was perfect.... April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-23441306765562960832012-09-20T20:23:00.000-07:002012-09-20T20:23:55.499-07:00dance.I had a post planed about flash cards and homemade books....and to brag about Paloma's recent (amazing) speech evaluation.<br />
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But i don't want to write about that.....I want to write about something more important.<br />
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Dancing...<br />
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We love to dance in our home...we dance every single day. We sing, we holler, we jump and spin. When daddy comes home he grabs the closest girl and twirls. It's true...<br />
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You never know what song will play next on the ipod plugged into Ava's old karaoke machine, and if Ava isn't around i'll let the Jay Z song keep playing. Because Paloma can break it down and mama loves a good beat.<br />
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Why do we dance so much? It wasn't always this way. Sure we indulged in a weekly dance party or two, but this has gotten quiet out of control....<br />
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Paloma crawls first thing in the morning to the ipod..........i say, "Paloma do you want music?" She waits.....i search the songs until i find one that is suitable for our kinda moves and it starts.....i pick up Paloma, we shimmy and shake...Ava turns the corner she does her number then points at me...i do a few embarrassing moves, and when the song is over we go about our morning routine....but Paloma...she dances until breakfast is served.<br />
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I love this morning must have. I love that my girls feed off of music as much as i do. And you have not seen pure joy until you have seen Paloma dance.........<br />
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big finish.......<br />
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I think someone has found their calling:)<br />
<br />April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-23193740778639549552012-09-11T14:24:00.000-07:002012-09-11T17:55:48.092-07:00School DaysBecoming a "Home School Mom," happened much like becoming a "Stay at Home Mom,"....by accident. Or was the thought always there?....some where in the back of my mind..... lingering with the doubts of my patience and ability? Honestly i don't really know the answer. But, homeschooling is in my blood and woven tightly with my ideas of mothering. My memories of being home schooled are among my happiest moments as a child. The confidence that was instilled in me, by my mother, at our kitchen table, is something that to this day has proven invaluable. If you are faced with a problem, you go out and fix it. If you have a question, you ask until you receive an answer. Go out.....touch the world...... hold it in your hands....and then write a report about it...over and over again...until your handwriting is perfect....<br />
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And so we began the journey of home kindergarten.<br />
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We laid out a plan...we built a <a href="http://smallluckypackage.blogspot.com/2012/08/room-by-room.html" target="_blank">room</a>......<br />
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and we took a chance......uniform Hello Kitty pj's.....Yes this is our first day of school picture....<br />
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......she may or may not have gotten dressed for the day....<br />
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Ok, so maybe the pj's stayed on all morning, but who does AB patterns on the first day of kindergarten? Ava does..that's who....and then ABA, ABC, ABAC...well, you get the picture. Ava is a math whiz, and i get to witness every glorious light bulb as it goes off in my beautiful girl's eyes.<br />
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Sitting beside Ava every single morning in this new role of teacher, has opened up a new chapter in our relationship. Watching, in awe of my first baby...... of the intelligent, kind, competent, little-big girl she has become...<br />
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Truly being in the moment...... and present...knowing that this will pass as quickly as her babyhood.......<br />
Sweet Ava.....how much i love you.<br />
And Paloma...well lets just say she keeps herself quite busy.<img alt="" aria-busy="false" aria-describedby="fbPhotosSnowliftCaption" class="spotlight" height="466" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/304982_4111769751366_628245926_n.jpg" style="height: 466px; width: 700px;" width="700" /><br />
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Each and every morning starts off the same way....first line of business...demolition..<br />
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Little hands know exactly what to do.....<br />
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until finally she achieves her goal...<br />
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and all is right in the world.....<br />
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"What does the cow say Paloma?"<br />
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For those of you that don't speak photo, that would be a "Mooooooooooo!"<br />
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And a sleep apnea update...mama's got back up.....<br />
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And all is right in the world.........April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-53822124908216810262012-09-04T12:52:00.001-07:002012-09-04T12:52:20.713-07:00Lessons learned and life in the moviesI suppose my last two posts have not been blissfully happy or full of warm fuzzy ramblings about my girls. I write mainly about the positives in my life because mainly my life is positive. I do not feel the need to sensor myself. Do i choose not to write on bad days? Sometimes.......why do i do this? <br />
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To be quite honest it is for fear of being judged. There it is.....i'm shallow....i don't want others to think i love my daughter less because sometimes i struggle. A struggle that to the outsider may appear to be over her.....but in reality it is just a mother loving her child........ even more truthful.....i don't want someone to think that i don't want her, or that i regret having her.......and for all the being careful...and all the outside smiles...and all the.......positives.....someone said it, "Well, give her up for adoption then." "Someone would welcome that baby into their family with open arms." ......silence no reply...........<br />
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Yes this was said to me.....and not by a stranger, not by a friend.....but by a family member. <br />
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This is why i believe that so many moms, that have children with a few more needs struggle internally......This is why i believe that some moms feel isolated.... This is why i believe we outwardly recover quickly from a surprise diagnosis and feel the need to spout off about unicorns and rainbows......but in reality....i'm sixteen months into something that this other person could not possibly imagine.....because today i went to neurology and made big choices...right choices...choices to be proud of.....and then we went to developmental therapy where Paloma was freaking awesome and said "duck".......and this other person.....well.....they probably.....did none of that. And tomorrow when we go to physical therapy and count how many steps Paloma can take, or speech therapy and we work on blowing bubbles....well.....they probably....will do none of that either......<br />
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And because I was starting to feel like i couldn't do it alone, i reached out.....i did what all the books and web sites tell you to do.....i admitted i needed help,.........yes, i may have said down syndrome felt like prison, and that Paloma got screwed....i may have been cursing and yelling and furious about a whole heck of a lot........am i ashamed of how i feel? No way........i just told this to the wrong person.......and this one person said out loud my number one reason for not wanting people to see me cry...........see it's true......people will judge you and think you do not want your child if you open up about your struggles........lesson learned.............will i quit being honest about how i feel....maybe.....<br />
.........lesson learned?<br />
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Well if you noticed this title is a double header....because this same person told me to go see some Disney movie about a boy with leaves on his legs and how it would make me appreciate my life.......i'm serious............and honestly, it felt like another slap in the face......because not being grateful is so far from where i am at this point in my life......but people who have no idea....have no idea.....this person might as well have told me to go see Forest Gump..........<br />
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However the most notable part of the night, was a line from a movie in one of the previews....... i finally have my response to this person who told me to give my daughter away.....are you ready...you may want to memorize it...or make a t-shirt....or make me a t-shirt......<br />
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Here it goes...<br />
"You know those mothers who lift two ton cars off of their babies?" " They have NOTHING on me!"<br />
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Now that is my kind of movie:)<br />
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April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-87784266434891484192012-08-29T11:08:00.001-07:002012-08-29T11:08:30.434-07:00The goings on.I hadn't quite been able to put into words what i had been feeling after Paloma's central sleep apnea diagnosis.....until i found <a href="http://utterlyunpublishedauthorsdaughter.blogspot.com/2012/05/surviving-at-sea-send-boat-please.html" target="_blank">this post</a>.<br />
And this is exactly how i feel......and it has already been put into words for me. We are lost at sea....the four of us....treading water...taking turns between kicking and resting.......mainly Hugo and i, because that's what mommies and daddies do...they tread water for their children. They keep rafts afloat and jump from sinking ships.........so if you are wondering where i have been........i'm right here........treading water.......resting.........and then....more treading..... <br />
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One of the jokes of motherhood, is how new mothers often wake their sleeping babies to see if they are breathing.....or how, a not so new mom, may sneak into her five yearold's room, lower her head to the bed.....and stare at her child's face until breathing has been verified......yes i do this.....because thats what mommies do.....we are the breathing police........<br />
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but somehow........eleven times a night, for the past seventeen months......i have failed at this very important job. Because Paloma stops breathing. Her brain fails to tell her to take the next breath. Something somewhere is not connecting..........and we may or we may not be able to find out why that is. All i know is that now...putting her to bed has a new sense of dread and fear.......because fact.......there will be times when i check on her, and she will not be breathing........it happened last night.....and all i could do was lay there and count the seconds until her brain decided to do its job and let my baby breathe........incert favorite four letter word here.......enjoy these pictures while i tread....<br />
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Na na naboo boo......Paloma is mine:)April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-19038208259709810282012-08-21T22:49:00.000-07:002012-08-21T22:55:39.200-07:00A new room.<a href="http://www.kellehampton.com/" target="_blank">This</a> is my favorite blog,....... that i never read.........I found her six moths before Paloma was born, and then again two days after Paloma was born........Her birth story, her girls, i felt an instant connection....."look at how beautiful her life is," I thought, "And it happened to her.".......One year and three months ahead of me......it was like i could look into the future. I read until my eyes were nearly swollen shut from crying......i looked for hints and clues to how Paloma would do....... based on Nella, hints and clues as to how i would do...based on Kellie..........and how beautiful it all looked.<br />
And yes i know that she chooses what to write, and that it is such a small piece of her own reality....but after a while. The connection that i felt began to unravel ...because i am living my entire story....not the most perfect snap shots of hers........<br />
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And i do not always blog my entire story either...because i'm afraid........and i'm real....and sometimes writing about the good, feels so much better than hashing out the bad.....but today...just as i thought we had crossed the latest hurdles with Paloma, including the diagnose of a genetic mutation, ear tubes and othotics for both legs.....all in the past two weeks......another unexpected blow.........and of all people i got mad at Kellie Hampton..........<br />
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We found another room......because i went looking.......central sleep apnea.<br />
And i feel as if the rug has been swept from underneath me. Because now words like neurologist and MRI and brain stem will become part of my new vocabulary.........and because i'm her mom...and because i would fight until death for her, i have to learn yet another facet of my child's body and how and why it functions......because if i don't, some Dr. will yet again try to walk all over me. .............So if you are wondering why i am writing this....it's because i am real....and while loving Paloma is the sweetest thing i have ever felt.....loving Paloma also hurts more than anything i have ever felt. And i'm hurting so bad i could rip my heart out...........and the thought of it all..........i want to fold.......i want to run away........i'm tired......i'm spent..........and if another medical student or Dr. looks at me and asks about my impressive medical knowledge or how i know so many "big words" i may have to scream in their faces, "Because this my child you idiot! And i have made it my life's work to care for my children! Because i love this baby so bad it hurts.....because if i don't learn all of these "big words" and the names of all the vertebrates in her neck, than you may confuse me for someone who will not question your opinions!"................<br />
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So there it is....another small part of the story........And for the record....i am all for spreading the overwhelmingly positive and beautiful side of this story..........but once in a while <br />
the whole truth needs to be told.<br />
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I love you Paloma...........my sweet baby dove.....April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-22510936848562991112012-08-20T21:55:00.000-07:002012-08-20T21:55:30.630-07:00Room by Room.....A little over two years ago, we left a beautiful, fully updated home in a gated community on the islands. A home that happened to sit snugly in between two of the world's most perfect neighbors, and had it's own live in ghost. A home, that at the time, i thought was as close to perfect as i was ever going to get.....<br />
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I still remember this day.....<br />
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because it was perfect.....<br />
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Did i mention that it was utopia?............. Well, we left utopia.....and we bought a foreclosure.<br />
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To the untrained eye, our new house probably looked more like the aftermath of a natural disaster than a home. It had black toilet bowls, rotting counter tops, and pink tile......it had been all used up........But we saw more.......And over the past two years my husband has painstakingly and lovingly spent his nights, weekends and days off, building that "more."<br />
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And for all the changes, it wasn't until we started the project of turning the spare room into Ava's class room, did it really hit me......what we were doing......... and how it mirrored our lives.<br />
Maybe it's because we are building this room for Ava, or maybe it was because you can finally see from one finished room into the next finished room........... and it just feels good. Or maybe it's because we've taken something and made it beautiful. Honestly, i don't know...but it has gotten me very sentimental............ and many Saturdays have been spent pouring love into this room.<br />
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I love spending time with Hugo while he works....... Hugo working on a project means late nights up talking and dreaming big.....and after exactly fifteen years together tomorrow, there is still no one else i'd rather share those big dreams with. Which is probably why, much to the horror of our dear friend, and realtor, we agreed on this particular house......who wants easy? Easy is boring.........<br />
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Each of us has had our part in creating Ava's space, and although it is a work in progress....we are almost there...............<br />
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The girls spend hours going through the new school books and turning boxes into ships.....<br />
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My Ava......she loves her books....<br />
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Caught intruding in their moment.....<br />
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In this house, and in this room, i am living a dream that i have had since i was a child.......So see, the perfect that i thought we had left, for something that seemed so much bigger than us, for something that at the time, looking at room by room, seemed next to impossible...and all the work and challenges that each room held.........when approached one room at a time, with patience and an understanding that mistakes will be made...was doable......It was all doable.....and before you know it, all those rooms become your home.......and you happily dream new dreams in your life, i mean home, that you have made beautiful........room by room......<br />
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And for all the utopias, and all the "perfects" you think you have to leave behind, some times all you really need,........... is a room the color of a Tiffany box. <br />
<br class="webkit-block-placeholder" />April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-59293235965503842822012-08-12T08:34:00.000-07:002012-08-12T08:37:54.967-07:00Full speed aheadWe have had a lot of rainy afternoons here in Savannah as of late. The day will start of perfectly hot and sticky and seemingly uneventful........then sometime around five o'clock the clouds will start rolling in and the thunder will sound it's alarm. Ava and i have been loving the storms. And the girls have found some very creative ways to pass the time.....<br />
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Sometimes Paloma puts up with it.........and sometimes not so much....<br />
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because our sweet baby Paloma, isn't so much of a baby these days.<br />
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"Don't you know?" as Daddy says, "She's not a toy?"<br />
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She's not a toy and she's not a baby anymore. She is doing all sorts of big girl things. She is into everything and loving her new found Independence. She goes around the house finding messes to make and pets to torment. She is growing up, full speed ahead, and it is so bitter sweet.<br />
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Yes she stands now...she worked on this skill until she mastered it...<br />
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Taking steps is the latest skill on her list.<br />
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And seeing as she is already doing it, it will only be a matter of time until we have a walker....<br />
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And this finger....this perfect pointer, that she points with and uses so perfectly.....gets me every time.<br />
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Sweet Paloma....you are amazing....and as Aunt Mimi says, "So cute i just want to freak out!"<br />
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I love you Lady P:)April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-87944613324171992672012-06-28T15:06:00.000-07:002012-06-28T15:17:39.870-07:00Summer...with a side of milkI am so happy.....it's that simple....I am so happy...i spend my days with my girls, i stay up late watching movies with my husband, i say "yes" to the pool, "yes" to ice cream, "yes" to sidewalk chalk and sprinklers...."yes"...and it feels so good. Summer has offically started, and has worked it's way back into our lives..... Like an old friend, picking up right where we left off, Summer and i are enjoying getting to know each other again.<br />
And i am enjoying watching my girls make their own reintroductions.<br />
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Go get her my little hermit crab.....<br />
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Lately Ava and i have found a new love for sidewallk chalk. We play hopscotch and draw mermaids. Paloma goes between scribbles and eating the chalk.......never the less, i'm sure the neighbors by now are used to a grown woman chasing rolling chalk down the driveway or me running through the sprinkler fully clothed.....did i say i'm happy? I'm happy:)<br />
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I think someone else is happy too...<br />
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Yum! Yellow...her favorite flavor! So many to choose from......<br />
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And now a few picturea by Ava, she loves to photograph Paloma...<br />
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......and mama, a treasure i found on the camera from our nap the other day..<br />
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We aren't quite there yet, but we are working on it, little by little. I am eight weeks into reclaiming what we lost....it isn't easy, and i've almost quit many times. But each time i want to give up something like this happens, and my girl keeps me going...........so yes, i am very happy.....April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-88521207387925506552012-06-12T20:04:00.001-07:002012-06-12T20:11:48.153-07:00A Birthday PostWhile planning Paloma's birthday, i could have never imagined that it would take me two months, one surgery, and my own birthday to be able to write about her party. <br />
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But i just wasn't in a good place.... I wasn't able to shake the feeling of "why her?" "Why us?" And it isn't really like me to be very upset over Down Syndrome. But as time was passing by and Paloma still couldn't eat solids, and still had reflux every day, and still wasn't crawling....it got easier and easier to get very, very upset over Down syndrome.<br />
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But that was then.....and times have changed. Baby girl can crawl, as of eight days after surgery to be exact, and she can eat...and feed herself....and do all of the things a big girl of one should be able to do....and mommy can breathe. Because my baby doesn't hurt any more.....so, on to birthdays......hers and mine.<br />
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Since the week after Paloma was born, i had been planning her party. I wanted a chance to do it right. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and organize an evening with friends to celebrate our littlest girl. So we planned a fiesta, and a fiesta it was!<br />
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Friends came over early and helped us cut out papel picado banners to string from the trees and in the house....<br />
We put up pictures from the year.....<br />
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And of family whom we wished were there.....<br />
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And as if Paloma knew how much i needed her close, she refused to be held by anyone but me. Keeping me tight in her little arms and her sweet voice whispering mama........if only i could have known this one year before....<br />
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And about our friends........our friends are......amazing. Looking around that night and seeing some of the same faces that where there in that hospital room, and in our home those first weeks, faces that smiled with so much love at my girl, faces that showered her with gifts and listened to me cry.......so much love in one tiny house. <br />
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Can you see it there, the love? Husbands doing dishes, new friends meeting old friends........everyone there to celebrate my girl....Love practically bursting out of my kitchen....<br />
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Speeches were made and Happy Birthday was sung...and in case you are wondering,....... yes i cried.<br />
I spoke briefly about the year......wishing for more good in the year to come....and about our love for our girl.<br />
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I had no idea just how soon i would get my wish........<br />
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You are my wish Paloma...<br />
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<img alt="" aria-busy="false" aria-describedby="fbPhotosSnowliftCaption" class="spotlight" height="466" src="http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/392501_3546767106653_669912278_n.jpg" style="height: 466px; width: 700px;" width="700" /><br />
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and i think this says it all......<br />
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We did it Lady P........<br />
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So a fiesta for Paloma and birthday cake on the beach for mama....<br />
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beautiful luminous Ava.....<br />
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And sisters finding baby crabs in tide pools.....<img alt="" aria-busy="false" aria-describedby="fbPhotosSnowliftCaption" class="spotlight" height="426" src="http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/564243_3546768026676_1800549883_n.jpg" width="640" /><br />
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Two beautiful perfect evenings.......and all is right in the world once more......I love you to the moon and back sweet girls....and i'd do it all again....every single moment.<br />
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<br />April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-33361330408220406592012-05-13T10:23:00.002-07:002012-05-13T10:23:56.085-07:00Home, Answers and a Square Dance!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Some people say that you can't run away from your problems. I wasn't sure that i believed this to always be true. ....so after much thought,( not really) and some coaxing from my husband (not much)..... i ran away. <br />
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I canceled therapy, sleep studies, and ENT appointments. I declared it national stay away from my baby month. My girls and i were going to stay with my sister and get back to our roots. Ava was going to be allowed to run barefoot and spend entire days in the pool while Mandy and i watched over sun bathing babies and ate bon bons......the food and past time of choice for stay at home moms.<br />
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And this is exactly how the first two weeks played out. I declared almost daily that i was never going back to Georgia, and a Saturday night Square dance sealed the deal.<br />
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Something magical was in the air that night. The sound of Blue Grass floating through the air, mixing with the smell of Kettle Corn and homemade ice cream. Watching the pack of cousins float from vendor to vendor as the little ones where used as pawns to ask for hand outs...I mean samples....<br />
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And i bet you'll never guess who was the Bell of the ball.....<br />
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We danced.....<br />
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And we danced some more....<br />
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Some of us even drank ice water out of Yoo-Hoo jars..<br />
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And the best part was, this wasn't some special holiday...it was just Saturday night.....<br />
it was just...perfect.<br />
And all the Nannies, me maws, pa paws and cousins were there, with plenty of kisses to go around.<br />
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Wouldn't you want a kiss from this face?<br />
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But like all magical Square dances, this one had to come to an end. And with it the reality, that you really can not run away from true problems. <br />
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Therapy appointments, and Doctor visits are not true problems. The fact that four and a half months since you were told that your baby had food allergies your baby can still only tolerate liquids That is a true problem....<br />
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So i put my "boots" on and went to yet another Dr. and pleaded with them that i believed that my baby had a common birth defect found in Down Syndrome, a duodenal stenosis. I am quite sure that sitting there with my chubby one year old, i sounded crazy, but i knew my baby. I knew what we had been through. And not another day of reflux, worry or what ifs was going to go by.<br />
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One week later we where on our way to be scoped. And because i was used to pleading with G.I. doctors to listen to me i begged. "Please look for a stenosis, i think she has a blockage." And he said, <br />
........"I will.".......May not sound like much, but to this mama it was music to my ears.<br />
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Thirty minutes later, they had answers....A duodenal stenosis so severe that it my even be an atresia, <br />
a mama in tears, and a doctor in a bear hug.<br />
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Surgery to be scheduled the next day..........the world was beautiful again. My girl would eat. <br />
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And mama had some pumping to do. Because we were robbed and i was going to reclaim what was taken from us.<br />
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So here we are, in beautiful east Tennessee on Mother's Day, going on day five in the hospital.....probably at least five to go. <br />
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And we did it........words can not express the road to this place, or the joys at the end. <br />
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Sweet Paloma, my baby dove, they don't know how you made it this far. How you have thrived and grown, with no more than a pin hole to receive your nutrition. But we know don't we. <br />
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........Love.<br />
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<br /></div>April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-65191408696998645132012-04-15T20:56:00.001-07:002012-04-15T21:00:12.161-07:00"Don't wish it away Peg."I always try to be as honest as possible when i write....if i'm head over heals or hurting...i say so.<br />
......and for that reason, i have yet to write Paloma's birthday post. <br />
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I want the post to be as beautiful and perfect as her party was, but how can i be true to myself if i am hurting.....and then writing about hurting makes me feel guilty. As if i am saying i love my girl less because yes, sometimes Down Syndrome makes my chest ache. And sometimes i feel as if this war i have waged against a chromosome is futile, and just denial outfitted in false strength....And if i openly say that i may be having a hard time. What does that say about my daughter? Or people like her? What does that say about me as a mama? <br />
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I want to have a beautiful year. I want to rejoice in my amazing daughters. I want to have less appointments and more days at the beach. I want to think less about Down Syndrome and more about Paloma. I want to wake up one day and not question, not once, if i did enough that day with Ava, or if i did enough therapy with Paloma..........or what the hell happened to April. <br />
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Because I am so very blessed, and like a friend told me in high school, and i think of it often....<br />
"Don't wish it away Peg."<br />
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<img alt="" aria-busy="false" aria-describedby="fbPhotosSnowliftCaption" class="spotlight" height="533" src="http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/544875_3164693355048_1196800721_32297275_355677164_n.jpg" style="height: 533px; width: 799px;" width="799" />April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-68517648777049320702012-03-24T13:18:00.006-07:002012-03-24T13:55:16.391-07:00Something BiggerI don't think we were even into our first week with Paloma when i heard it for the first time, "A lot of families go on to adopt another child with Down syndrome after having one of their own."....<br />
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I'm sure i said something very dismissive and cold.........something along the lines of, "We are good with Paloma"......not meaning it in the best of ways.<br />
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But she was new, and i was new...and honestly, in that moment Paloma was enough.<br />
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But days flew by and i fell in love........and during one of many nights spent researching how i could help my girl, i clicked this <a href="http://reecesrainbow.org/new-family/thechildren">Link</a> .........<br />
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And there, staring back at me, were too many sets of almond eyes to count. And i knew, at that moment, that we were a part of something bigger.<br />
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See, in other countries, namely eastern Europe, when a baby is born less than what we consider "perfect" they do not get to go home with their families. They do not get mommies who wait patiently while they learn the difficult task of nursing or taking a bottle, or daddies that work side jobs on weekends, or paint portraits so that he can have that little extra to help his baby. They do not get pretty new sleepers and soft blankets, big sisters, hugs, kisses or even welcome committees.......instead, they go to an orphanage, they go to a crib, and they never know really what it is like to be.........Paloma......loved.<br />
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But let me tell you....there are families willing to pay the ransom for these children, willing to beg, willing give, and willing to say over and over again..."Yes, i want to be a part of something bigger."<br />
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And this year, for Paloma's birthday, that is exactly what we are going to do....<br />
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So instead of gifts, instead of more beautiful clothes and wonderful toys, we are asking our friends to come to our home, celebrate the life of this wonderful little spirit, and on the anniversary of the day that forever changed my life, help for ever change the life of another little girl...a little girl across the ocean, who needs to be here with her mama.....<br />
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Remind you of anyone?<br />
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You can read her beautiful story <a href="http://gracefulbutterflywings.blogspot.com/">here,</a> and if you'd like there is a box on the right, where you can be a part of something bigger. But you don't have to give to make a difference, you just have to know.......<br />
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Sweet big girl, i'm so glad your mama found you...<br />
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because everyone deserves a mama......<br />
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And to be a part of something bigger......April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-9925710358656561232012-03-19T22:29:00.000-07:002012-03-19T22:29:42.656-07:00Under CurrentThere is something stirring beneath the surface, something has shifted, and like many times before, it is taking me a few days to find my footing. .... a quiet quickening, a sudden thought...and if i'm not careful a moment of self doubt that threatens to bring down all of the good of my day...our day.<br />
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Ava found some good...and she took a picture.........<br />
<img alt="" aria-busy="false" aria-describedby="fbPhotosSnowliftCaption" class="spotlight" height="466" src="http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/484593_3047204777907_1196800721_32248844_901513794_n.jpg" style="height: 466px; width: 700px;" width="700" /><br />
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I have been questioning.... Why? Why do i feel so........off....and then it hit me........it's been nearly a year.<br />
It's been nearly a year since my world was rocked.......<br />
And my heart is getting ready for that day, that moment on the clock, on April 7th, at 5:34.......when it was broken in half........<br />
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My life is now defined in two parts, clearly and perfectly divided...before Paloma, and after Paloma.....and as much as it has hurt......i like this second part much better.<br />
But that doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt sometimes. Because it does.......especially now, and for reasons that i won't say, i'm hurting........<br />
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I have come to realize that what i have been feeling, is an under current of sorts, and it is me pulling back to where it all began... to those first hours with Paloma. What we felt, was so gut wrenching, and so real....a hurt like no other, and that place that we lived in those first few days was unlike any earthly place, or state of being that i had ever felt...... Such a rich, heightened sense of fear and love, heartache and the unknown.......all in one tiny face.....<br />
<img alt="" aria-busy="false" aria-describedby="fbPhotosSnowliftCaption" class="spotlight" height="340" src="http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/215569_1901277618849_1448957584_32114842_1374234_n.jpg" style="height: 340px; width: 604px;" width="604" /><br />
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It is still so raw, that i can barely look at pictures of her birth....... because i remember that girl........and i want to tell her that it will all be ok...more than ok.......and i want to hold her baby....and love her while she gathers the strength to do it herself....because i know the ending, and i know this love.....<br />
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I want to go back to that room, but i don't know what i will find.....will i find who i left there? I don't think so......<br />
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That's the thing about under currents...they decide where they take you.<br />
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And i think i need to ride this wave all the way to the end.<br />
.......because my baby is turning one.......and this time, when that clock hits 5:34...my heart better get ready........<br />
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Because it's gona explode...... <br />
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And i'm gona celebrate the hell out of my lucky little package.....<br />
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<br class="webkit-block-placeholder" />April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-29638601916374484012012-03-16T20:28:00.000-07:002012-03-16T20:28:22.421-07:00Lucky Charm<div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></div>Ava made me a mama.....<br />
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Ava loves when i tell her all of the beauties and extra specialness of that first baby. She loves to hear how upon seeing her all i could say was, "Thank you Jesus"......She loves to hear her birth story, snuggled up close to me, we go over every detail.....she knows her story by heart......<br />
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It doesn't seem possible that in just a few hours, my sweet girl will turn five.....five is the very edge of big girl....and as of tonight, she has a missing tooth to prove it.......In case your wondering, yes...i cried<br />
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Being Ava's mama is sacred and something so embedded into who i am, that it is difficult to put into words... having Paloma has only heightened this relationship and created a stronger bond between us.....my first baby..My Ava.<br />
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Going through pictures for this post, and seeing my baby again, was so bitter sweet. It is so easy to let time slip by, not to notice the subtle changes that occur day by day......until the only Ava that i see is my big girl....i guess she's always been my big girl.....<br />
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Ava always ahead of the game, Ava so witty and smart, Ava beautiful inside and out..........<br />
Thank you Jesus.........<br />
Happy Happy Birthday my lucky charm......I love you to the moon and back...<br />
<img alt="" aria-busy="false" aria-describedby="fbPhotosSnowliftCaption" class="spotlight" src="http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/417088_3031062734366_1196800721_32240269_931388901_n.jpg" style="height: 466px; width: 700px;" />April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2417024995914570407.post-37103574888591935732012-02-21T10:11:00.000-08:002012-02-21T10:11:41.300-08:00SistersAs many of you may or may not know, my relationship with my sister is everything to me. We have an on going conversation that lasts through out the entire day, turns into texting in the evening and then picks up where it left of by that first morning phone call.<br />
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We clean our houses together, watch our favorite shows together, and if we are lucky, once in a while we take a quiet drive without the kids together.....all over the phone of course.<br />
Oh yeah i forgot to mention, we also have this habit of getting knocked up together.<br />
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.......my sister feels like an extension of myself. Twin souls, five years apart.....me the youngest, of course.<br />
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And lately something wonderful has been happening in our home. Two more twin souls are finding each other. <br />
Sliding from room to room on quilts and playing under make shift tents........<br />
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Last night while cooking dinner i turned around to find this giggling blob had made it's way into the kitchen.<br />
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Even though i didn't want to intrude on their moment, i could not resist the urge to take a peak. My mommy heart was happy, and i wanted to see the magic of their little world.<br />
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And just like that baby sister jumped into sissy's arms and destroyed the tent...again.<br />
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Sweet Ava.....I love this face. This is the face of a big sister....a real sister.<br />
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And this one...a real baby sister.....<br />
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I try to remember sometimes how i felt in the beginning. How i thought i had failed at giving Ava a sister, how they would never have what my sister and i have........<br />
Now i realize, that it is not for me to decide.It is for Paloma and Ava to decide. I realize now that sisters come in many different shapes and sizes. That Paloma and Ava will have something unique and special to them, something that as their mom, i will never truly be able to understand. A sisterhood is a force to be reckoned with......and this sisterhood is no different.<br />
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trust me.....i know twin souls when i see'em.....April Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15485733846828228858noreply@blogger.com6