End of an Era

Many of you may know, if you have read Paloma's birth story, that her extra chromosome was a surprise. I had a normal pregnancy with beautiful ultrasounds. I had a baby that measured two weeks ahead and i went full term.

...... I had no idea that Paloma was keeping a secret.

So in the delivery room, after she was born and  everything around me seemed to be falling down, the one clear thought that i did have was, that i had to nurse her.
And on my second night in the hospital when i was in the shower fully dressed crying on the phone, and my mom asked if she should take Paloma home for a couple of weeks, I said no. Because i had to nurse her.
And in the difficult weeks that followed we spent almost every waking moment in each others arms....

....because i nursed her....i no longer had to....i wanted to.

What at first didn't feel like a choice, became a life line....for us both.


Little by little, our nursing relationship bonded us in a way nothing else could. I remember asking my sister over and over, "I have a baby right?" "I mean Paloma is a real baby.....right?"
And little by little she became that real baby to me, because babies nurse, babies need their mommies.....babies nurse. Paloma nursed....and she was good at it.

And then she got sick....and after a near two week stay in the hospital, they told me she was allergic to something coming through my milk............

I am still beyond distressed by this for more reasons than i care to type. I feel robbed.....yet again..of something that i thought i was going to have....something easy and natural.

I need to nurse Paloma as much as she needs to be nursed.
But at the moment, there is no nurseing.



So i pump each and every day....i follow a strict diet.....and chances are.....i will never nurse Paloma again.
But i can't let go. I can't let go of my milk. I can't eat something that would contaminate it....i'm stuck in limbo. I can't let go of one of the most beautiful parts of being Paloma's mommy.

I'm not ready.........
It's almost like until i throw in the towel, even though we haven't nursed in a week today, we still have that part of our relationship.

I'm not ready.....
So tonight i pumped and probably tomorrow i'll pump too.

.....Because i have to nurse her.

Under a painted sky.....

Last Sunday began Paloma's week of hell.....
We were just about to meet some friends at the movies when Paloma threw up.

No big deal, babies do those sorts of things.
Then while driving Paloma began to cry. Paloma only cries in the car if it is dark....i pulled over to check on her, immediately she started to projectile vomit and choke. I grabbed her entire car seat and tipped it forward so that she could breath, babies throw up, but not like this......my mommy gut said ER, but i wanted to check with another famous mommy gut....my sister.

Our mommy guts agreed.

Paloma had a very dramatic entrance to the ER. I ran with her in my arms as fast as i could, trying to be careful....it took everything in me not to yell out for help. She could not stop getting sick.
 In fact she threw up until we saw blood......i yelled out for help.

The rest of the week is a blur of good days, ER visits, and nights at the hospital.

Did i mention that Nanny and Auntie Mimi drove from Tennessee through ice and rain to be with my girl?
Well....could you resist this chubby monkey?
 

I love how sometimes in life, seemingly unimportant things you have done, or maybe even forgotten about, just reappear......

Like bird filed skies, painted by daddy, back when even Ava was all but a hope.

This makes me smile......and I'm not the only one..

That's right, five years ago Hugo helped paint eleven murals on the ceiling of the children's unit here at the hospital.....and i love so much that he painted birds for my baby dove.

And one little monkey:)

You have no idea what it means to me to have these paintings, he painted them for her, i know he did......
So here we are again staring at clouds and praying for Paloma to get well......
Right now she is putting herself to sleep sucking on my shirt at just the right place because we aren't aloud to nurse.

They scoped her belly today and it seems it is far worse than anyone could have imagined......

Anyone except for the crazy lady that has been falling apart at nurses stations, demanding to talk to more Doctors and begging for someone to please believe her that her baby is hurting.

I am a mama bear....


Today was a hard day, it is one thing to know in your heart something is wrong, but another to have a doctor tell you. And honestly we still don't have answers.
So tonight, we'll sleep under daddy's skies, Hugo, Ava, me and Paloma and maybe tomorrow we will see this girl smile again......


I love you sweet Paloma.......to the moon and back....

The Other Shoe?

Sitting here at five in the morning, with a cup of coffee that one of the nurses helped me make,I can't help but hear the sound of the other shoe dropping. Deep inside I believe that Paloma will be fine.....I mean she has to be fine right?

That damn shoe.....
Always hanging out somewhere in the dark just waiting to fall with a thud. Even on the best days, or maybe especially on the best days, I know it's there hanging.....somewhere in mid air.

I have always said," I do not need any reminders on how lucky we are to have Paloma and for her to be healthy, this is not a lesson I need to learn." I have made sure from day one to say this out loud and to thank God for my precious gift of a healthy baby. Each good day that passed was a day aknowledged, a day to be grateful for....

Even tonight, over the past 48 hours, I have been grateful......
But oh how it hurts to watch her hurting. How it hurts to see Paloma, my light, unable to crack a smile.....Sweet baby, how we love you.

My Do Over

Since i started this blog, the subject of this post has been in the back of my mind. I have tossed around different ways to approach it, but nothing ever felt right. Everything i thought of felt forced, or cliche.

See....I wanted a "do over."

I like to think that i accepted Paloma's little surprise rather quickly. Of course i had a few more crying fits and "why me?" moments, but as a whole i know that once we were home, the love out weighed our fear of the unknown.

But that is not what this post is about. This post is about the hospital stay, and how i welcomed my little dove.

This post is about the guilt that i thought i could never shake and the amazing gift of a dream.


If you know me at all, or have ever spoken to me about Paloma and her birth, than you also know that i would give anything to go back to the moment that she entered this world. And that I would give anything to simply whisper "Welcome sweet girl," in her newborn ear.


But of course i can't go back? .....Or did i?......

Last night i had a beautiful wonderful dream. And in this beautiful dream, the impossible was possible.

And in this dream time travel was the past time of choice for Hugo and I......

The dream opened the instant Hugo and i appeared in the hospital where Paloma was born. We were standing face to face in a hall way and only a few seconds had passed when i turned around and  exclaimed, "Paloma is here!"

I remember the pure joy and excitement i felt knowing that Paloma was there. I could hardly keep from busting down the door to get to her. I remember the blue silver glow of the hall way, and the orange hardwood floors, the commotion of the nurses around me, and Hugo just letting me go to her. I remember putting one foot in front of the other, yet floating towards my own hospital room. I remember reaching out my hand and the door opening, i held my breath, and there she was....new born Paloma.

In an instant she was in my arms. She was sleeping and wrapped in a hospital blanket. She had on her striped nursery hat and standard issue long sleeve t-shirt. She was so small and so new....her cheek on my cheek....the smell of her hair....milky sweet breath..she melted into my chest as i sobbed, "Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome...I want you, you're perfect, we are going to have the best life.......welcome..welcome.......I've been waiting for you.....i love you." Her skin was so soft. Her features so tiny.

I held her and told her all the things that i wish i had told her when she was born. I tried to pour all of my love for our Paloma over new Paloma. I didn't want to let her go, but i knew that i could not stay with her.

And with that thought i woke up.......

And for the rest of the day, i could not shake the raw emotions of what i had felt.......

Or the hope that maybe just maybe i got a do over........

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome Paloma.......I love you..

Balance

......is something that lately i have struggled to find. I have been going back and forth trying to decide just what balance means for me and my family. Is it less outside appointments and therapy? Is it waking up earlier to squeeze in yoga and research? Or is it just getting the laundry caught up on and taking a shower all in the same day?
.....i don't know. But i am trying to figure it out. Because by having too much to do, i am getting nothing done. Or by getting nothing done am I also creating balance?

hmmmmmm....

So in my quest for balance i did the only thing i could do.

I took a break.

And that break included Disney World and the beach:)


For three whole days we lived on the beach and balance took on a whole new meaning.




Our little get away brought into perspective all the things that are important in my life and reminded me what we are fighting for in the first place. That i don't have to be a perfect mom, or feel guilty if i don't finish Paloma's check list every single day. That maybe it's ok if Ava watches TV while i attempt to clean the house....And in spite of me and all my short comings, my kids will be just fine. And how do i know this?

Because i love them.

That's why.



Sweet baby love......




So on our break we collected shells, flew kites and spent time with dear friends. We had daily races between the stairs and the elevator and told Ava "yes" at every opportunity. We slept in, ate good and took in the beauty that was just over the edge of our balcony.   

And we went on a safari...



Do you think those guys spend time worrying about balance?

I don't think so:)

So here's to Sunday and all the hope and good intentions that Monday brings!

Normal Day

Today has been one of those lazy easy Sundays. Hugo spent the morning working on the yard with Ava, and  Paloma and i took a long nap. There was no schedule to keep or errands to run. It was just Sunday and all together uneventful. The girls cuddled and played and i think three separate pots of coffee have found themselves brood.

 All day today i kept thinking back to one of my favorite quotes. Someone posted it on facebook the other day and i had to find it again just to read it out loud and savor every beautiful word.

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are… Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect Tomorrow. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."
- Mary Jean Iron



And while yes this has been a normal day, it has also been bitter sweet. Today is my grandma's birthday and the first one we have spent without her. So while the girls were having some sister time, i snuck off to find my green and white Afghan, as my grandma called it, and sang her Happy Birthday.

I have never lost anyone that i loved. My mom says i have been crying over loosing my grandma since i was three years old. I guess it hit me early that she would probably be the first person i would loose ..........and three year old me was right.

So i went through my pictures and realized we are cuddling in every single one.





Our Afghan.........and three year old me loven me some grandma time.


I love you to the moon and back again, Happy Birthday grandma.......i miss you.

Love

I went to lunch with a good friend yesterday, and afterwards, had to nurse Paloma in my car before going to pick up Ava from school. I brought Paloma to the front seat with me and for probably the tenth time that day so far, we began our little ritual. For Paloma, nursing consists of feeding, laughing, cooing and making mommy's heart melt with her river rock colored eyes. We talk and sing and hold hands. It is truly something to behold and we are quite the nursing pair.




While Paloma was nursing and watching me ever so closely, as she always does, i had one of those baby love moments. My heart swelled up with love, my chest got tight, and i started to cry. I cried crocodile tears with a smile on my face, and i may have even sobbed through a verse or two of  "Baby Mine." I sat there and shamlessly endulged in all the love i was feeling for my sweet girl. I had myself a baby love cry, and baby love cries are the best kind of cries. Baby love cries are what makes being a mommy to a new little one so wonderful.

My most vivid memories of being a new mommy to Ava are those of me nursing her and crying because i could not  contain the love i felt. And surprisingly enough when Paloma was born, i was very angry because i thought i was going to be cheated out of these moments with my littlest girl. I distinctly remember being especially upset over this.

 I am now happy to report however, that Paloma has been witness to more than her fair share of baby love cries.

I realised while sitting in the parking lot of Panera bread, nursing my baby and crying, that really and truly it is all about love. That love is this big all encompassing force that if you let it will come in and make the world right again. That love will explain away any worries of the future and allow healing over the past. I realized that i had found on my own, what i so desperately needed someone to tell me during those first two days in the hospital, that i love Paloma and she loves me and because we love each other, we are going to be just fine. And it sounds so simple now putting it into words............

 but of course we all know that love is anything but simple. 

So for me, when i think over how far i've come, and i picture it all swirling around together some how making up the past five months and three weeks, the one thing that seems to bind it all together is love.....

sweet baby love.....



and lots and lots of baby love cries.