"Don't wish it away Peg."

I always try to be as honest as possible when i write....if i'm head over heals or hurting...i say so.
......and for that reason, i have yet to write Paloma's birthday post. 

I want the post to be as beautiful and perfect as her party was, but how can i be true to myself if i am hurting.....and then writing about hurting makes me feel guilty. As if i am saying i love my girl less because yes, sometimes Down Syndrome makes my chest ache. And sometimes i feel as if this war i have waged against a chromosome is futile, and just denial outfitted in false strength....And if i openly say that i may be having a hard time. What does that say about my daughter? Or people like her? What does that say about me as a mama?

I want to have a beautiful year. I want to rejoice in my amazing daughters. I want to have less appointments and more days at the beach. I want to think less about Down Syndrome and more about Paloma. I want to wake up one day and not question, not once, if i did enough that day with Ava, or if i did enough therapy with Paloma..........or what the hell happened to April.

Because I am so very blessed, and like a friend told me in high school, and i think of it often....
"Don't wish it away Peg."

Something Bigger

I don't think we were even into our first week with Paloma when i heard it for the first time, "A lot of families go on to adopt another child with Down syndrome after having one of their own."....

I'm sure i said something very dismissive and cold.........something along the lines of, "We are good with Paloma"......not meaning it in the best of ways.

But she was new, and i was new...and honestly, in that moment Paloma was enough.

But days flew by and i fell in love........and during one of many nights spent researching how i could help my girl, i clicked this Link .........

And there, staring back at me, were too many sets of almond eyes to count. And i knew, at that moment, that we were a part of something bigger.

See, in other countries, namely eastern Europe, when a baby is born less than what we consider "perfect" they do not get to go home with their families. They do not get mommies who wait patiently while they learn the difficult task of nursing or taking a bottle, or daddies that work side jobs on weekends, or paint portraits so that he can have that little extra to help his baby. They do not get pretty new sleepers and soft blankets, big sisters, hugs, kisses or even welcome committees.......instead, they go to an orphanage, they go to a crib, and they never know really what it is like to be.........Paloma......loved.

But let me tell you....there are families willing to pay the ransom for these children, willing to beg, willing give, and willing to say over and over again..."Yes, i want to be a part of something bigger."

And this year, for Paloma's birthday, that is exactly what we are going to do....

So instead of gifts, instead of more beautiful clothes and wonderful toys, we are asking our friends to come to our home, celebrate the life of this wonderful little spirit, and on the anniversary of the day that forever changed my life, help for ever change the life of another little girl...a little girl across the ocean, who needs to be here with her mama.....

Remind you of anyone?


You can read her beautiful story here,  and if you'd like there is a box on the right, where you can be a part of something bigger. But you don't have to give to make a difference, you just have to know.......

Sweet big girl, i'm so glad your mama found you...

because everyone deserves a mama......

And to be a part of something bigger......

Under Current

There is something stirring beneath the surface, something has shifted, and like many times before, it is taking me a few days to find my footing. .... a quiet quickening, a sudden thought...and if i'm not careful a moment of self doubt that threatens to bring down all of the good of my day...our day.

Ava found some good...and she took a picture.........


I have been questioning.... Why? Why do i feel so........off....and then it hit me........it's been nearly a year.
It's been nearly a year since my world was rocked.......
And my heart is getting ready for that day, that moment on the clock, on April 7th, at 5:34.......when it was broken in half........


My life is now defined in two parts, clearly and perfectly divided...before Paloma, and after Paloma.....and as much as it has hurt......i like this second part much better.
But that doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt sometimes. Because it does.......especially now, and for reasons that i won't say, i'm hurting........

I have come to realize that what i have been feeling, is an under current of sorts, and it is me pulling back to where it all began... to those first hours with Paloma.  What we felt, was so gut wrenching, and so real....a hurt like no other, and that place that we lived in those first few days was unlike any earthly place, or state of being that i had ever felt...... Such a rich, heightened sense of fear and love, heartache and the unknown.......all in one tiny face.....


It is still so raw, that i can barely look at pictures of her birth....... because i remember that girl........and i want to tell her that it will all be ok...more than ok.......and i want to hold her baby....and love her while she gathers the strength to do it herself....because i know the ending, and i know this love.....

I want to go back to that room, but i don't know what i will find.....will i find who i left there? I don't think so......

That's the thing about under currents...they decide where they take you.

And i think i need to ride this wave all the way to the end.
.......because my baby is turning one.......and this time, when that clock hits 5:34...my heart better get ready........

Because it's gona explode......

And i'm gona celebrate the hell out of my lucky little package.....

Lucky Charm

Ava made me a mama.....

Ava loves when i tell her all of the beauties and extra specialness of that first baby. She loves to hear how upon seeing her all i could say was, "Thank you Jesus"......She loves to hear her birth story, snuggled up close to me, we go over every detail.....she knows her story by heart......


It doesn't seem possible that in just a few hours, my sweet girl will turn five.....five is the very edge of big girl....and as of tonight, she has a missing tooth to prove it.......In case your wondering, yes...i cried


Being Ava's mama is sacred and something so embedded into who i am, that it is difficult to put into words... having Paloma has only heightened this relationship and created a stronger bond between us.....my first baby..My Ava.

Going through pictures for this post, and seeing my baby again, was so bitter sweet. It is so easy to let time slip by, not to notice the subtle changes that occur day by day......until the only Ava that i see is my big girl....i guess she's always been my big girl.....


Ava always ahead of the game, Ava so witty and smart, Ava beautiful inside and out..........
Thank you Jesus.........
Happy Happy Birthday my lucky charm......I love you to the moon and back...

Sisters

As many of you may or may not know, my relationship with my sister is everything to me. We have an on going conversation that lasts through out the entire day, turns into texting in the evening and then  picks up where it left of by that first morning phone call.

We clean our houses together, watch our favorite shows together, and if we are lucky, once in a while we take a quiet drive without the kids together.....all over the phone of course.
Oh yeah i forgot to mention, we also have this habit of getting knocked up together.


.......my sister feels like an extension of myself. Twin souls, five years apart.....me the youngest, of course.

And lately something wonderful has been happening in our home. Two more twin souls are finding each other.
Sliding from room to room on quilts and playing under make shift tents........

Last night while cooking dinner i turned around to find this giggling blob had made it's way into the kitchen.

Even though i didn't want to intrude on their moment, i could not resist the urge to take a peak. My mommy heart was happy, and i wanted to see the magic of their little world.

And just like that baby sister jumped into sissy's arms and destroyed the tent...again.

Sweet Ava.....I love this face. This is the face of a big sister....a real sister.

And this one...a real baby sister.....

I try to remember sometimes how i felt in the beginning. How i thought i had failed at giving Ava a sister, how they would never have what my sister and i have........
Now i realize, that it is not for me to decide.It is for Paloma and Ava to decide. I realize now that sisters come in many different shapes and sizes. That Paloma and Ava will have something unique and special to them, something that as their mom, i will never truly be able to understand. A sisterhood is a force to be reckoned with......and this sisterhood is no different.

trust me.....i know twin souls when i see'em.....

Old friends and new beginnings

Ok Paloma, when I said, "May the new year be as lived as December," I did not mean the hospital part. I did not want to see this guy ever again..........sorry Mr. Turtle.


But here we are. And between the two hospitals, (Hello Joy!) We have been in since Wendsday. Double Pnemonia and RSV. But i don't want to write about it..........We are fighting it, and we are winning.



That was a post started in the hospital in early January..... After a week in the hospital we kicked RSV's butt big time. It was messy, it was scary, but you know what? We knew what "IT" was and we knew the protocol. And just to really stick it to RSV my girl came home clapping. Nine months old to the day and clapping like a pro.

Over the past month life has been good. Paloma is developing at lightning speed and i took Ava out of preschool so that i could be with her more. Paloma has made me become the mom that i always thought that i was...if that makes sense? And she has given me the confidence to make decisions for my family that are in our best interest, like home schooling.......so that is exactly what we will be doing. I am a greedy selfish mommy and i want all the juicy Ava time and baby love i can get my hands on. I want to be there when Ava's light bulbs go off, i want to embark on the same journey that my mom took with me, i want......to be with Ava.

Year of the Dove

December flew by....it got lost somewhere between hospital stays and a constant state of  worry.
A lost month. A hard month. A beautiful month.

I can say of course before Paloma i felt loved, that i had amazing friendships, that my family loved me. But until Paloma, i can also say that i never knew the depth that came along with each of these. I had never experienced being on the receiving end of more than my fair share of ......awesome.

What Hugo, Ava, Paloma and i felt, the love from family, friends and strangers alike was humbling.... and it felt so good.....

Friends coming to the hospital with food and gifts for Ava, friends that stayed late into the night so that i could laugh and smile, friends that drove a Christmas tree all the way from Florida and stole Ava and i away so that we could have some much needed mommy and Ava time, set to a holiday soundtrack... Santa hat and all.
Strangers who sent gifts for Ava and tokens of their support. Strangers who shared our prayer request and lifted Paloma's name up to the heavens. Strangers whom i have never meant, who love my girl as their own.
And my family.......A cancelled trip to California, a Greyhound bus, the best sister in the world, and my mom....worried about her own baby. Three kids on an airplane to meet their baby cousin, and a sister-in-law that came through big time.
Did i say December got lost?...... I meant December got lived.
And my baby was home for Christmas....and the next day...and the next.....

So today we went with cousins, one whom had never seen the beach, and soaked in the last drop of December....and then said goodbye.

Goodbye to December, and goodbye to the best year of my life.



And i know it's cliche, and i know it's all been said before.....but isn't that what the new year is all about?
And just because i'm not the first to be here, doesn't mean that for me, it's any less profound.....because it is so beautiful really...... this magic we have....... our small lucky package.

Can you see it? Somewhere is those almond eyes.....perfection, beauty, life, worth......love. It's all there, the whole world in her chubby little hand.

And if you knew how those fingers tasted you'd be hooked too.....

I suppose i'll save the rest of the cliches for her birthday.....be ready for it, it will be a love fest:) But first some pics of mama and baby.





Sweet baby love......

So good bye to the year of the Dove. May 2012 bring as many blessings and good fortune as the year before. To all of you reading who have shown us love, thank you, thank you, thank you. We felt every last bit. We soaked it up, we marveled at the beauty of it all ,and we are entering this new year grateful....waiting patiently to pay it forward.

So happy New Year! May it be as lived as December.......