Something Bigger

I don't think we were even into our first week with Paloma when i heard it for the first time, "A lot of families go on to adopt another child with Down syndrome after having one of their own."....

I'm sure i said something very dismissive and cold.........something along the lines of, "We are good with Paloma"......not meaning it in the best of ways.

But she was new, and i was new...and honestly, in that moment Paloma was enough.

But days flew by and i fell in love........and during one of many nights spent researching how i could help my girl, i clicked this Link .........

And there, staring back at me, were too many sets of almond eyes to count. And i knew, at that moment, that we were a part of something bigger.

See, in other countries, namely eastern Europe, when a baby is born less than what we consider "perfect" they do not get to go home with their families. They do not get mommies who wait patiently while they learn the difficult task of nursing or taking a bottle, or daddies that work side jobs on weekends, or paint portraits so that he can have that little extra to help his baby. They do not get pretty new sleepers and soft blankets, big sisters, hugs, kisses or even welcome committees.......instead, they go to an orphanage, they go to a crib, and they never know really what it is like to be.........Paloma......loved.

But let me tell you....there are families willing to pay the ransom for these children, willing to beg, willing give, and willing to say over and over again..."Yes, i want to be a part of something bigger."

And this year, for Paloma's birthday, that is exactly what we are going to do....

So instead of gifts, instead of more beautiful clothes and wonderful toys, we are asking our friends to come to our home, celebrate the life of this wonderful little spirit, and on the anniversary of the day that forever changed my life, help for ever change the life of another little girl...a little girl across the ocean, who needs to be here with her mama.....

Remind you of anyone?


You can read her beautiful story here,  and if you'd like there is a box on the right, where you can be a part of something bigger. But you don't have to give to make a difference, you just have to know.......

Sweet big girl, i'm so glad your mama found you...

because everyone deserves a mama......

And to be a part of something bigger......

Under Current

There is something stirring beneath the surface, something has shifted, and like many times before, it is taking me a few days to find my footing. .... a quiet quickening, a sudden thought...and if i'm not careful a moment of self doubt that threatens to bring down all of the good of my day...our day.

Ava found some good...and she took a picture.........


I have been questioning.... Why? Why do i feel so........off....and then it hit me........it's been nearly a year.
It's been nearly a year since my world was rocked.......
And my heart is getting ready for that day, that moment on the clock, on April 7th, at 5:34.......when it was broken in half........


My life is now defined in two parts, clearly and perfectly divided...before Paloma, and after Paloma.....and as much as it has hurt......i like this second part much better.
But that doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt sometimes. Because it does.......especially now, and for reasons that i won't say, i'm hurting........

I have come to realize that what i have been feeling, is an under current of sorts, and it is me pulling back to where it all began... to those first hours with Paloma.  What we felt, was so gut wrenching, and so real....a hurt like no other, and that place that we lived in those first few days was unlike any earthly place, or state of being that i had ever felt...... Such a rich, heightened sense of fear and love, heartache and the unknown.......all in one tiny face.....


It is still so raw, that i can barely look at pictures of her birth....... because i remember that girl........and i want to tell her that it will all be ok...more than ok.......and i want to hold her baby....and love her while she gathers the strength to do it herself....because i know the ending, and i know this love.....

I want to go back to that room, but i don't know what i will find.....will i find who i left there? I don't think so......

That's the thing about under currents...they decide where they take you.

And i think i need to ride this wave all the way to the end.
.......because my baby is turning one.......and this time, when that clock hits 5:34...my heart better get ready........

Because it's gona explode......

And i'm gona celebrate the hell out of my lucky little package.....

Lucky Charm

Ava made me a mama.....

Ava loves when i tell her all of the beauties and extra specialness of that first baby. She loves to hear how upon seeing her all i could say was, "Thank you Jesus"......She loves to hear her birth story, snuggled up close to me, we go over every detail.....she knows her story by heart......


It doesn't seem possible that in just a few hours, my sweet girl will turn five.....five is the very edge of big girl....and as of tonight, she has a missing tooth to prove it.......In case your wondering, yes...i cried


Being Ava's mama is sacred and something so embedded into who i am, that it is difficult to put into words... having Paloma has only heightened this relationship and created a stronger bond between us.....my first baby..My Ava.

Going through pictures for this post, and seeing my baby again, was so bitter sweet. It is so easy to let time slip by, not to notice the subtle changes that occur day by day......until the only Ava that i see is my big girl....i guess she's always been my big girl.....


Ava always ahead of the game, Ava so witty and smart, Ava beautiful inside and out..........
Thank you Jesus.........
Happy Happy Birthday my lucky charm......I love you to the moon and back...